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heliads · 2 years ago

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Hellloooo!!! I don’t wanna add to your workload so if this just piles on, please delete it! 😅😊 I just had an idea for a newt x reader fic where they’re in an established relationship in the Glade and during a bonfire one night the boys all ask newt questions about what it’s like to date reader and how it feels and newt just answers with the upmost sweetness. Reader overhears and fluff ensues!!!!

fluff ensues has got to be one of my favorite plot descriptions. like yeah it absolutely will do that (and no worries, nothing will stop the workload from being! newt just helps make it better <3)

masterlist

Newt is aware that he is a little bit luckier than most. This is a sentiment that he never thought he’d be caught dead believing. Not in the Glade. Not in the Maze. Not anywhere in this surreal mess of a place. Yet it’s on repeat in his head on a day to day basis nonetheless, ticking off the hours like an alarm clock consisting solely of his blessings.

Newt didn’t think he’d have that much to brag about. No memories means no history he can mention to his equally luckless friends. Still, he’s got one important victory in his life that no one else can even dream of, and that’s the fact that he’s dating Y/N. Yeah, that certainly sets him apart in the world of good things given to kids who can’t quite convince themselves they deserve them.

Some would say that Newt is being a little dramatic. He would argue that his response is perfectly within reason. One girl has been sent up in all the months that anyone’s been in the Glade, one girl and one girl alone, and she just happened to choose him. Around here, that’s grounds for being nominated for sainthood.

Newt isn’t going to act like he’s not just over the moon every time he thinks about the whole situation. Against all odds, Y/N fell in love with him. That’s so unreal that Newt has to pinch himself every hour on the hour just to make sure it isn’t a dream. He never tries too hard, though. Just in case.

He didn’t have many thoughts on love before she came up. There wasn’t really time now, was there? It was just him and the scores of other stragglers making do in their bloody terrible world. You don’t spend much time lingering over potential sweethearts when the closest thing to a Romeo is Gally yelling at everyone in the Glade except his friends.

Not great dating material, to say the least. Even when Y/N came up that one month, though, he still hadn’t fallen for her from the start. He liked her, obviously, she was nice and didn’t test his patience, but he was perfectly content to keep her as a friend, just that. Great expectations have a way of letting you down. Newt’s learned that if you keep your eyes on the ground, stop looking up at the sun and stars, you’ll be able to deal with it a little easier when all your brightest aspirations go away.

He’d done that before and he planned on doing it again. Even as time passed and he realized that his heart had a funny way of speeding up whenever she was nearby, when it occurred to him that his daily routines always had a way of working in chances to see her, Newt forced himself to ignore everything. Maybe he liked the way the morning sunlight always played on Y/N’s face, maybe he could have spent hours wondering over the way her eyes sparkle when she laughs. It was nothing that he could ever commit to treasuring above anything else.

It took several rounds of self-talk and about a dozen different interventions staged by his friends for Newt to get up the courage to tell Y/N how he felt. Hell, it took at least half of those interventions for him to even admit how he felt to himself. Newt had been internalizing for so long that bringing some of those emotions to the forefront of his attention was damned near impossible. Minho, Alby, and a few others, however, were so sick of seeing him ‘mope around like a lovesick fool,’ to quote them specifically, that they were dedicated to the task of getting him in order.

It worked, too. Newt had run through what could have been a hundred speech variations in his head, all mentioning her character or her sense of humor or any one of the millions of things he liked about her best. In the end, he didn’t choose a single one. The second Newt pulled Y/N away from a crowd of their friends for ‘something he needed to say in private,’ every single whirlwind of thoughts storming through his head came to an abrupt stop. He totally blanked out.

Newt wouldn’t even know that he managed to force any words out at all were it not for the fact that the effects of that interaction are quite obvious. Somehow, Y/N ended up returning his affections, and they’ve been doing pretty well ever since. Newt doesn’t like counting his eggs before they hatch and all that, but he’d go so far as to say that he doesn’t see it ever breaking down for quite some time, if ever. They’re alright. They’re great, and they’re happy, and in a place like this, you take that and run with it for as long as you can. Maybe it’ll ruin itself someday, but Newt plans on pushing that off to the distant future for forever and a day.

In the meantime, Newt gets to think about how lucky he is. Despite the fact that Y/N’s apparently been crushing on him for just as long as he started liking her, and despite the fact that Frypan proclaims on a daily basis that he’s never seen two shanks more alike, Newt still feels like all of this is just one great coincidence. Maybe it was never supposed to happen, but it did, and he’s going to love that and her for as long as he can.

She’s waiting for him now, he thinks. Work is over for the day, and there’s a Bonfire Night happening this evening too, courtesy of the shivering Greenie fresh out of the Box who still can’t seem to keep his shock from showing. The fool to whom this celebration is owed looks like he’s going to keel over, what from the way he keeps half doing a backbend from continually craning his neck up to stare at the Walls, but the rest of them can get drunk and fuck around and generally have a good time.

Greenies never appreciate their Bonfire Nights enough anyway. It’s up to the rest of the Gladers to show them what it’s like to have fun. Who knows the next time they’ll be able to stop stressing over the ruins of their lives anyway? Newt’s heard half a dozen Gladers proclaim that they only live bonfire to bonfire anyway. They might as well prove it tonight.

Newt meets Y/N on the outskirts of the bonfire just as the dark starts to fall. Dusk kicks up its heels, keeping watch over the revels and hiding the sun, which can never bear to see whatever mistakes they’re going to make next. Y/N holds out a hand to him, one Newt gladly accepts.

“I can’t believe it’s been six months now since I first showed up,” she grins, gesturing towards the Box with her free hand, “Feels like just yesterday.”

Newt snorts. “Time flies when you’re having fun, huh? Trust me, the Greenie Days get faster and faster. I swear I just finished touring the last kid, and now we’ve got another one to keep pestering us with questions.”

Y/N shakes her head, considering this. “Nah, I think this one will be better. He’s too scared to speak above a whisper. If you try, you can just ignore him.”

Newt chuckles. “I’m not supposed to be bullying the Greenies. Alby says I’m meant to set a good example.”

“I saw Alby telling Minho to trip the new kid to see if he’d finally make a sound if he bit the dirt,” Y/N comments, “I don’t think kindness is really in our books.”

Newt arches a brow. “I could see that happening. Did it work?”

“No,” Y/N says, disappointed, “Kid was so scared to move a muscle that he didn’t fall at all. Just kind of stopped walking like he’d hit a wall instead of Minho’s ankle.”

Newt tries to bite back a smile. He’s only half successful. “Shame. That would have been fun to see.”

Y/N laughs. “That’s what I said. Anyways, they’re all over there, near the fire. I think the next strategy is to give the kid some of Gally’s brew in the hopes that it’ll coax something out of him other than his dinner.”

Newt shudders. “Best of luck to him.”

“And to me,” Y/N replies, “I think I’m going to get a glass of my own. See you in a second.”

Newt waves a casual hand in goodbye, watching as his girlfriend weaves through the steadily forming crowds of Gladers in an attempt to track down a drink. He takes a seat near an overturned log, staring into the fire as it disappears into sparks. Six months since Y/N appeared in the Box, so it’s been indeed.

Newt can’t decide whether that feels like a long time or not nearly long enough. Y/N’s changed him in almost every way, that much is obvious. Sometimes, in meeting someone you know will impact you forever, you almost want them to have been around for much longer. Strangers aren’t meant to become your best friends, not until you’ve known them for years and you have scores of memories to share. You want to give them decades in your mind, centuries, as a sign that they’ve been so important to you. Mere months aren’t enough. Surely it should be more.

It isn’t, and maybe that’s for the best. Newt has no memories save for when he came up his own share of months ago. All his friends are new, all his enemies still more recent. Maybe the girl he loves has only been in his life for a short time, but his recorded life is short indeed. Everything is modern. That’s just how it is.

Newt becomes aware of eyes on him and realizes that he might not be the only one reminiscing about when Y/N came up in the maze. A few Gladers have come up by Newt’s side, steadily appearing out of the gloom and smoke to stare at him.

Newt glances at them questioningly, and a few moments later the bravest of them dares to voice their collective thoughts. “What’s it like dating Y/N?” The boy asks, “you know, since she’s the only girl?”

Newt smiles to himself. “It’s great,” he says.

This clearly isn’t the response the other boy wants. “Yeah,” he repeats, “but what’s it like? It’s not like the rest of us have our own girlfriends to compare it with.”

Newt bites back a laugh. “Well,” he begins, noticing out of the corner of his eyes that the other boys draw closer to him expectantly, “it’s like having a best friend, but even better. She’s someone I can talk to at any time, but I don’t have to worry about seeming uncool or weird around her. Y/N knows exactly who I am, the good and the bad, but she’s chosen to be with me anyway. It makes you feel like you can do anything.”

The boy nods, accepting this. “Are you ever worried that she’s going to get tired of you and leave you for someone else?”

“If you’re asking me if I’m worried about competition,” Newt says slowly, “I’d say, don’t think you even have a chance. She’s my girlfriend, you bloody shank, not some object you can steal away. Anyway, obviously I’d like it if she stayed with me a while longer, but I’m not scared, no. I know that we’re happy, and that’s enough.”

The boy’s face flushes scarlet when Newt calls him out, but he seems to have made his peace with it at the end. Newt’s half expecting more questions, but all of a sudden they scatter to the corners of the celebration. A few moments later, the cause of the disturbance becomes obvious: Y/N herself takes a seat next to him, glass in hand.

“It seems like you had a score of admirers,” she says, lips twitching up into a smile.

Newt groans. “More like your admirers, trust me. They wanted to ask about what it was like to date you. Not something I thought I’d be discussing with the Slicers-in-training, but why not?”

Y/N laughs. “Oh, I know. I have to say, though, it was very sweet. Being with me makes you feel like you can do anything?”

Newt feels his entire face heat up, and he briefly ponders launching himself into the fire to escape it. “I didn’t realize you were eavesdropping. That’s rude, you know.”

Y/N just grins. “I do apologize. It was very sweet, though. I appreciated it.”

Newt rolls his eyes, but he can’t keep a smile off of his face for long. “Does that mean you won’t leave me for some random boy who showed up a few months ago?”

“I’ll consider it,” she assures him, “like you said, though, I wouldn’t worry much. I happen to like being with you quite a bit as well.”

Newt reaches over, wrapping an arm around her shoulders to pull her close. Y/N leans her head on his shoulder, and they stay there for quite some time, watching the embers of the fire curl into ribbons of smoke up in the darkest reaches of the sky. The bonfire dances, their friends shout and clap and laugh all around them, and through it, they keep going. All is well.

tmr tag list: @rogueanschel, @ellobruv, @retvenkos, @neewtmas, @thatfangirl42, @hiya-its-amber, @gods-fools-heroes, @hope92100, @23victoria, @w1shes43, @ilovexavierthrope, @fadedver

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abyssalzones · 2 months ago

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okay randomly pulling this one out of my head because I've been trying to figure out how the hell I want to say it for a while: what's crazy about the new wave of gf fans is that I've seen the sentiment (though I also saw it once or twice back in 2016) that shipping bill with ford is "saving" people from the alternative of the most popular bill ship being That Which We No Longer Mention By Name and I have to say that this literally only checks out if your entire understanding of why pedophilia is bad is because It Just Is, rather than the fact that a child by definition cannot consent and the power dynamics at play mean it is always a form of abuse, it's an adult exercising control over a child. like it's the abuse itself that's bad. so by that logic I have to assume people are either 1. choosing to ignore the fact that within canon, ford was coerced/straight up lied to and then had his consent violated repeatedly, Or 2. insisting that this is all okay because ford is an adult. who consented at one point in time (under dire circumstances) (it wasn't even his idea??) even though he revoked that consent later and it was ignored. like it's fascinating to me how bill refers to ford as. hang on actually so you know I'm not just making this shit up

he quite literally calls him a child here (from the website) while explaining Why he went after ford and the thing is you see it reflected perfectly in his behavior: he calls him 'kid' even when he's in his 60's to taunt him, he makes him get rid of a beloved pet he doesn't approve of, he unquestionably acts as a mentor more than a friend on equal standing, fucking etc. point being I think gravity falls does something a lot of stories don't even when they try to cover this type of subject matter where they make it obvious that being a victim of abuse isn't a matter of age or intelligence. abusive people will look for vulnerability in Anyone and I really don't think there's a hard moral line here.

I think the point of what I'm trying to say is that if one is okay and the other isn't: uh. why? what does it say when an almost identical if not more insidious* narrative about a character being abused is okay because it has a more "acceptable" veneer of sex appeal?

*"more" is subjective here, personally I think ford being written as a victim is more obvious/intentional than the stuff going on with dipper because in his case they were in a relationship ("relationship" in big quotes) for multiple years which adds layers to it. both are bad obviously but I think what gets implied in ford's story is worse on purpose. okay back to studying bye

#lab notes #uhm. should I trigger tag this? kind of just discussing things. well ask to tag anyway

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aliteralsemicolon · 5 months ago

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what do u think about Maeve as a character and as a love interest for Spencer?

Well she definitely exists. She was definitely a canon love interest 😐 I choose to forget a lot of details from that whole incident on purpose. Talking about this is just beating a dead horse bc I think my opinion is just a general consensus.

but here's what I think anyway:

The storyline

I won't talk about it for long because I feel like it's obvious, but the whole situation was handled so poorly. It kinda just showed up out of no where on one random peaceful day. What do you mean Maeve didn't want Spencer to get the BAU involved because 'it could endanger him'? Babe, he's already in danger just by being in a relationship with you, but I guess that just doesn't fucking matter. Also, what the fuck do you mean that Spencer just went along with it? I'm sorry? Spencer Reid, who becomes very impulsive when it comes to the wellbeing of his loved ones? He just agreed to sit back? Not even investigate in his free time?! By the time ZUGZWANG happens, we as viewers know how the BAU operates. The BAU was more than equipped to successfully deal with Diane. We know what they're supposed to do in a stalker situation, but for some reason they ignore nearly every goddamn protocol and then they're surprised when Maeve dies??

Maeve as a character

Listen, I don't dislike her because she was Spencers love interest. I'm actually somebody who's very keen on love interests for Spencer. I want that poor man to be happy. I dislike Maeve because she's one of the worst recurring characters on the show. She's very morally annoying. Not grey, annoying. Maeve is a geneticist. Geneticists, for the most part, study gene interactions and evolution. She has no fucking business diagnosing and prescribing shit from one look at an MRI scan. I don't even wanna talk about how medically inaccurate the migraine bit of the storyline is. Somehow it gets dumber. I don't know what she said for sure, but I know for a fact that she said something like she had to get to know Spencer because of how interesting he seemed. FROM HIS MRI SCANS?! Are we ignoring how unethical this is? Please, I cannot fucking do this. But there's more. Apparently she loves Spencer. She says as much at the end of a phone call AND literally writes that one love quote in the Narrative of John Smith for him. She loves Spencer, but fails to mention how she was engaged literally not long before she met him. And she doesn't feel an ounce of guilt or sadness when he ex-fiancé (whom she also supposedly loved) gets shot in the head in front of her? Also there's certain times where she just comes off as very emotionally manipulative, but in the dumbest way possible. The thing is that I don't even hate her because she's like this. Some of these things actually give the character potential to become a really interesting and complex character. It's because she tries to come across as the opposite. The writers try very hard to portray her as an intelligent, good and innocent character, but everything she does is very selfish and stupid. Personally, if I was a geneticist and some fucker reached out to me to ask about his MRI scans I would redirect him to a fucking neurologist or something.

Maeve as Spencer's love interest

She's introduced to us a mysterious woman over the payphone. We get glimpses of her body in a dark room and we watch her fiddle with things while walking around, but we don't actually get to see her face until later. Her voice is meek and sultry. If this sounds like some wattpad introduction then that's because that's literally what it is. Maeve is introduced to us in a very Y/N esc way. The whole relationship is very much wattpad story written by a 14YO back in the day. Wait I take that back, even fucking 14YO's writer better shit. At least their stories were worth ruining your sleep schedule for. I can't even be upset, Maeve is literally not the first female character portrayed this way on the show *cough* Jane Seaver *cough*. MGG didn't want Spencer to have a love interest so Maeve was written to die. I just wish they at least tried to do the characters and the story justice. Viewers couldn't even connect to Maeve because she was just thrown at us one day and then literally killed a second later. Even if she wasn't unlikable I find it very hard to imagine that I would've cared about her death, because I literally had no time to bond with the character. It's also just very awkward when she shows up after her death because I feel disconnected with Spencer's emotions. Mentally, I know that she's his first great love or whatever, but emotionally, I do not give a fuck. She does not match Spencer's freak. What she is, essentially, is a female version of Spencer (but through the male gaze because she's a woman so ofc she's slightly dumber and Y/Nified). Spencer is one of the most complex established characters on the show and Maeve as a partner for him is just very boring. And even if she's was interesting, I PERSONALLY FEEL LIKE the actors have no chemistry together. He's had more chemistry with love interests that lasted for a way shorter period than he does Maeve. Ironically, the most chemistry he has is with the one person he despises the most (Cat Adams) and I think that speaks volumes. God, I wish so badly that they utilised the bar tender he did a magic trick for or the forensic scientist in that bombing episode.

Again, I'm pretty sure most of the fandom feels this way. I'm fairly confident that I might have more to say, but I cannot be bothered anymore.

#; discusses #; answers #✉️ from anon #spencer reid #criminal minds

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petit-papillion · 7 months ago

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It's crazy how misinformation keeps being spread. I saw a person on twitter who had a lot of followers and a podcast about f1 saying ferrari asked what tires carlos thought it was better and carlos answered "soft". And then they gave the soft to charles and hard to carlos.

When someone posted the transcription of the radio (from twitter user team55) that shows carlos answered "hards or softs" they said the transcription was wrong.

When someone mentioned ferrari wanted to give charles hards but charles refused, they said its not true and the only reason they gave charles soft was because carlos said it was the better tire.

I went back to listen the radios and the person is simply lying.

Ferrari asked carlos what he prefer between mediums, soft or hards and he said "hards or soft"

Ferrari told charles they were thinking about putting hards and he said "no that's stupid".

So whats the point to make up things like this ? Just so people can keep the narrative that carlos is the strategy master and ferrari favors charles ?

And it's one thing if it was just a random account but it's someone with a plataform. there's a lot of fans that don't have access to f1tv there are just believing what this person said.

Hi Anon! I feel like the F1 broadcasts have hugely contributed to this perception of Carlos being a strategic mastermind by being very selective about what they broadcast from team radio. Drive to Survive gets picked on for painting false narratives, but the main broadcast is, at times, just as bad. They pick and choose team radio, sometimes don't broadcast everything that was said or omit follow-up radio that puts the original one in a different light, or don't transcribe it correctly ("There was a cut." when Charles said "There was a cat." comes to mind). I do like that they put "I'm OK." on screen when a driver has crashed and they know from team radio the driver is okay. And I also understand it takes a little while to transcribe team radio. But to my recollection they have never actually said it's just a standard message they use, and instead they make it seem like they are quoting the driver, who in fact may have said, "I'm in the fucking wall." or "Red flag! Red flag! I'm in the middle of the track!!!"

Anyway, on to your point: why make things up? For the same reason drivers lie (and yes, they all do at one point or another) when they are on team radio or talking to the media. To make themselves look good/innocent. And some go to far more extremes than others. Fans are no different: we are biased towards our fave and have a really hard time accepting when he does something we don't like or agree with, as our meow meow just can do no wrong. Some people come up with excuses, others with just blatant lies. See recently Lestappen fans when Max chose Lando, Daniel and Checo as his top 3 friends on the grid, and they said he had to pick Checo because he's his teammate, otherwise he would've said Charles. Could be true, but that would still only put Charles as his 3rd best friend. Wouldn't Max have put Charles as his undisputed number 1 if they are really that close?

Sorry, I digress. The point is, we all need to use critical thinking to the best of our ability, check facts when we can, and try not to stay in a vacuum of like-minded people, but it's unavoidable to have false narratives slip in when it is being fed to us every race weekend. Commentators are biased and although we expect them to be objective, they often are not. I stopped listening to Sky, but it is incredibly clear Crofty's favourite driver is Norris, Chandhok is a Carlos-fan, etc. And you are right, not everyone has access to F1TV to check the onboards, but in this case, they do have access to Twitter and can look at more than just the tweets telling them lies.

In case anyone needs proof of what Charles said:

🎥 bliss_n16

#i spent entirely too much time looking for the team radio #but felt it necessary to include it in the post #also sorry for turning this into an essay #anon ask #spanish gp 2024 #charles leclerc

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reunionatdawn · 9 months ago

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A Midsummer Night's Dream: Analyzing the Romantic Subtext of (Japanese) KH 358/2 Days

Day 94 ~Hearts~

Roxas: What are we fighting for? Axel: We're fighting for the greater Kingdom Hearts, didn't you see it today? Roxas: [...] Is Kingdom Hearts really that important? Axel: Hey, what are you talking about now? Roxas: But, since I don't have a heart, I don't really understand. Axel: Roxas... If you had a heart, you'd surely understand. That's why we're seeking hearts, right? Roxas: I see... That's right...

I will be using my own translations for most of this meta, because nuance is very often lost in the localization process. The mission for this day took place at the Beast's Castle. Roxas was intrigued that the Beast was personally fighting the Heartless even though he had servants. He had an important reason to fight, something to protect.

This only made Roxas question whether he had any good reason to fight Heartless himself. When he used the word "important" he used "大切な" (taisetsuna). It tends to emphasize emotional or sentimental value rather than practical importance. And in Japanese, it was a tiny bit more suggestive that Axel already knew why having a heart was so important. He already had his own reason to fight.

Day 94: The plan is proceeding smoothly, but... (Saïx) Thanks to Roxas and Xion, the wielders of the Keyblade, hearts have converged, and the great Kingdom Hearts has appeared before us. Our objective is being achieved. Every plan is proceeding smoothly. The fact that everything is going so smoothly is cause for concern, but perhaps I am overthinking it.

In both the Japanese and English versions, Saïx expressed paranoia about how smoothly the process of completing Kingdom Hearts was going. The phrase, "The course of true love never did run smooth" is one of the most famous quotes from A Midsummer Night's Dream. Essentially, the quote suggests that real love is not always easy or straightforward; it requires effort, perseverance, and the ability to overcome obstacles. This quote is relevant because there is evidence that the entire game's narrative was inspired by that play. It's similar to how Versus XIII was originally going to be inspired by Hamlet.

Day 96 ~Xion's Keyblade~

Axel: Oh, Roxas, are you going to Beast's Castle? I went to investigate yesterday, but those Heartless seemed pretty tough. He might have a hard time alone~. Saïx: Are you suggesting they both go together? Axel: I'm heading to Agrabah. Is that a problem? Saïx: Can you handle defeating the Heartless in Agrabah? Axel: It's fine. I'm strong enough.

The "~" is often used to indicate a trailing off or unfinished thought, similar to an ellipsis (...) in English. It suggests that the speaker is leaving the sentence open-ended or implying that there is more to say but chooses not to express it explicitly.

Axel: Heartless, why do they move so annoyingly? Thanks to them, I got hit. Roxas: Weren't you supposed to be strong? Axel: That's a separate issue.

I think it's more obvious in Japanese that Axel was trying to convince Saïx to let them go together by reminding him of some past situation when Isa relied on Lea in a similar way, leaving him to face a tough situation all by himself. The idea for Roxas to work twice as hard to make up for Xion's uselessness was Axel's idea, after all.

Xion: It's all thanks to Roxas and Axel. Axel: I didn't do anything. Xion: In the morning, you arranged for us to go on the mission together. Roxas: If it weren't for you, Xion might not have been able to reclaim her Keyblade. Xion: Thanks, Axel.

On Day 72 called "Change," Axel was bothered that Saïx didn't even seem worried about him while he was away at Castle Oblivion. And he did not thank him for doing his dirty work (even at the risk of his own life) when he returned. It was the first thing he mentioned. But Roxas and Xion thanked Axel profusely for his help. And it just seemed to make Axel very depressed.

Axel: How about a sea-salt ice cream? With that, this incident will be water under the bridge.

In English, Day 8 is the day Axel treats Roxas to ice cream and it is called "Icing on the Cake". In Japanese, it's called "ごほうび" (gohoubi). It means "reward" or "prize". It refers to something given in recognition of one's efforts or achievements, often as an incentive or encouragement. It's interesting because Axel didn't like the taste of sea-salt ice cream anymore. In the opening song, he grimaced when he first bit into it. He was only eating it due to its sentimental value.

Roxas: It would be nice if we could always be together like this. Axel: Where did that come from all of a sudden? Roxas: I was thinking it would be nice if every day, after our missions, the three of us could eat ice cream together and watch the sunset. Axel: Well, that's an impossible wish. After all, we're Nobodies.

Axel was pretty blunt here with his cynical outlook.

Pence: I wonder if we can always be together. Olette: I hope so. Hayner: Huh? What's with the sudden talk? Pence: Oh, just thinking. Hayner: Well, realistically, I doubt it. But that's just how it goes when you become an adult, right? What's important isn't how many times we meet, but how many times we think of each other.

Because he was already an adult.

Axel: What's important isn't seeing each other every day. It's more important to always think about each other, even when we can't meet. ...Got it memorized? Roxas: That doesn't suit you. Axel: Shut up.

In the DS version, after his blunt comment, Roxas and Xion lowered their heads. And it was only then that Axel changed his tone. When he used the word "important" he also used "taisetsuna". It would sound quite sentimental, so it's a bit out-of-character for him at this moment in the story. Axel didn't laugh along with Roxas and Xion when they started teasing him. Because his comment wasn't really directed at them. He had only known them a few months and didn't feel particularly sentimental towards them, at least not yet.

Day 96: Friends (Axel) Recently, I feel like I spend more time talking with Roxas and Xion than with my original comrade Saïx. So this is what having friends feels like.

That comment was said with Saïx in mind. On Day 75, Axel told Roxas and Xion that he didn't have a best friend. He used to. But they didn't have the same type of relationship they had as kids anymore. it had been so long since they had spent time hanging out and eating ice cream together that Axel forgot what friendship even felt like.

Day 117 ~Secrets~

(KH2 Novel) Naminé: Do you think Nobodies really don't have hearts? Who told Axel he doesn't have one? The heart—there are secrets that—

There were many "Secrets" being referenced on this day. The first was the secret of the heart, which Naminé alluded to in the KH2 novelization. This day showed how Axel had begun to grow a heart. He was annoyed that Saïx didn't knock, and he wanted him to get out of his room as soon as possible because it hurt to be around him.

Saïx: "The Chamber of Waking," contrasting with the "Chamber of Repose," holds a true purpose that Xemnas has not disclosed to anyone. Clues to this lie within the "Chamber of Waking." If we seize them, we can gain the upper hand, even concerning our objectives.

Saïx's main priority was completing Kingdom Hearts. But he didn't trust Xemnas and suspected that he had a secret agenda, which turned out to be true, as we saw in Dream, Drop, Distance.

Xion: When I sit here and talk with you guys… I get the strangest feeling… that a long time ago, I used to watch the sunset with somebody else. It's the same when I watch the sea. Someplace by the sea…where I hear the sound of the waves… I get the feeling that I was talking with someone. [...] You have memories, don't you, Axel? Axel: Well, sort of. Even if I do have them, they're not of any use at all.

Another secret was related to Xion's birth. Axel wanted to go to Castle Oblivion because he was curious about her origins. Xion remembered Kairi watching the sunset and telling Sora not to change. It was one of Sora's most precious memories and it was why Xion could awaken a heart. And it was also meant to depict Kairi's anxiety and loneliness over how, as we get older, we find a distance growing between us and our close friends. And that's something she had in common with Axel.

Day 118: What's Changed... (Axel) When I talk with Roxas and Xion, I often reminisce about my days as a human. Reflecting on various childhood memories, I find myself feeling inexplicably strange. I should be able to have such conversations with Saïx, but strangely, I don't feel inclined to do so. It's just a strange sense of nostalgia. It's not me who's changed... it's you.

Based on subtext, we can probably assume that Axel began to awaken a heart by spending time with Roxas and Xion because they reminded him of his childhood. Therefore, Axel's memories of the time he spent with Isa were implied to be his most precious.

Day 119 ~Accomplishment~

Day 119: Hearts and Emotion (Xaldin) Observing that foolish beast, one can see clearly how humans are often governed by trivial matters. It was precisely because we did not desire to be ruled by emotions that we chose to become Nobodies. It was much later that we realized the magnitude of that loss. While we understand that there are things that cannot be accomplished without a heart, emotions are still unpleasant.

The above quote from A Midsummer Night's Dream was spoken by the character Helena. It reflects the theme of love's unpredictability and irrationality that runs throughout the play. It suggests that the pursuit of love can often defy logical reasoning and that the dictates of the heart may not always conform to the dictates of reason.

Xaldin: If it's something he treasures, it means his heart is captive to it… When the heart is stolen, that becomes a weakness. Roxas: The heart is stolen…? I don't quite understand.

Once again, the word "大切" (taisetsu) was used, to indicate that the Beast fought so hard to protect the rose because he placed value on it for some emotional reason rather than for its practical utility. Xaldin's goal was to use the Beast's weakness to literally steal his heart and turn him into a Heartless. Idiomatically, to have one's heart stolen refers to intense feelings of romantic attraction or love.

Roxas: I understand what [the Beast] treasures now. Xion: What he treasures...? Roxas: But Xaldin said that could become his weakness. Xion: Can something valuable become a weakness? Roxas: I'm not sure... Xion: I wish Axel would come back soon...

Roxas and Xion figured that Axel would surely understand this concept and explain it to them. And in KH2, Axel was desperate to turn Sora into a Heartless, and he knew the way to do that was by targeting the person who stole his heart, which was Kairi.

Ansem's Report 4 Heartless are born from those who have their hearts stolen, and they proliferate by stealing them from other beings. What's stolen by the Heartless becomes the nourishment for creating new Heartless. While there's no certainty, I am confident in my theory. Let's verify it further by providing a large number of organisms. Furthermore, we must continue researching the behavioral principles of Heartless.

We can probably assume, based on the Ansem's Reports from KH1, that Xaldin and Axel both knew all about this principle because of their involvement in Xehanort's research as apprentices.

Ansem's Report 8 Heartless are naturally born from those who have lost their hearts. If we apply the principle of the heart, could we not synthesize them? Thinking so, I utilized the results of previous research to complete the device. When I tentatively activated it, the Heartless emerged without any problems. If we further improve this device, it may even be possible to generate them from nothing.

The experiment to generate Heartless using the device in the Heartless Manufactory was the topic of Ansem's Report 8 in KH1. During that experiment, the "principle of heart" was used.

Xemnas: The experiment to generate Heartless was an attempt to control the mind and abandon the ego. Even if we made one lose their heart that way, one could still harbor a heart in their body, which serves as a vessel.

And it's clearer in the Japanese version of KH3D that this Heartless-generating experiment was conducted for the purpose of creating a vessel. It's important to note that the word for "mind" is "精神" (seishin). It refers to the mind, spirit, or consciousness of a person.

(KH2 Novel) Saïx: How do you expect to protect anything when you've cloaked yourself in darkness? You sold your soul for power. Was it worth it?

"Seishin" can also mean "soul". While "soul" is a more metaphysical and spiritual concept in English, "seishin" encompasses both the psychological and spiritual dimensions of human consciousness in Japanese. During the experiment, the intended target was most likely Lea. Isa was probably just meant to be his weakness. But Isa probably sold his mind/soul for power in order to protect Lea. And that would most likely be the origin of his beastly berserker state, as well as why Isa became the vessel instead of Lea.

Day 150 ~Fear~

Xion: One more time... please! Saïx: We don't have that much time on our hands. It's clear you were just a failure, after all.

It's important to note that Saïx used the word "失敗作" (shippaisaku) here. It means "failure" or "failed work." Also, there was a slight change in the localization during this conversation. Saïx didn't say they couldn't afford to waste any more chances. He said they couldn't afford to waste any more time. It's subtle, but it's significant.

Xaldin: Ah… If something isn't done before that rose withers, it seems the curse he was placed under won't be lifted. Roxas: Come to think of it, the servant guy said our time left is short. Xaldin: …He did say that… The curse… the Beast's form… the rose… Hehehe… This could be useful.

In English, you miss out on the uncanny similarity between Saïx and the Beast. They're both cursed, they both wish to become human once more, and both are running out of time. The subtext implies that Saïx wanted to complete Kingdom Hearts because he wanted to love and be loved in return. For who could ever love a beast? Saïx even has a weapon called "Werewolf," a beast tied to the full moon.

Day 150: Handling Xion (Saïx) Is it about time the limit of the replica has been reached? I thought the plan was going smoothly, but ultimately, it's just a puppet… So, of course there's been a problem, after all. I completely fail to understand how this puppet can weigh so heavily on Axel and Roxas's minds. Perhaps we should also consider how to deal with Xion going forward.

"The course of true love never did run smooth". Saïx thought the plan was going smoothly, but of course, it's never so easy. Technically, they would be able to complete Kingdom Hearts with just Roxas. As long as they had one Keybalde wielder, Xion wasn't truly needed. Saïx was quite displeased that Axel was treating Xion as protectively as he used to treat him. And due to that, he wanted to dispose of her.

Roxas: Axel, is there something you don't want to lose? Axel: Something I don't want to lose? Why the sudden question? Roxas: I met someone today who has something they don't want to lose. It's something really precious to them. Xaldin said it could become their weakness. I don't have anything like that... Axel: Well, that's obvious since we don't have hearts. Roxas: Do you think so? For example, if we took away Demyx's sitar, he'd probably object. Axel: Well... I suppose that's true. Even without hearts, there are things we don't want to lose. In that case, for us Nobodies, the things we don't want to lose might be our past memories. Past memories create the things we don't want to lose.

The memories Roxas made since joining the Organization were all he had. That's what he couldn't bear to lose. But what Axel couldn't bear to lose were the memories of his past. His human days. On Day 117, he told Xion that his memories were of no use. He used the phrase "役にも" (yaku ni mo). It means "useful" or "helpful." It indicates that something serves a purpose in some practical way.

But again, the word "taisetsuna" was used, which tends to emphasize emotional or sentimental value rather than practical importance. We can probably conclude that what Axel couldn't bear to lose were his memories of Isa. Because Isa was what he was afraid to lose when he was a human. But since Isa changed, memories were all Axel had left.

Day 152 ~The Wrong Button~

"The lunatic, the lover, and the poet are of imagination all compact. One sees more devils than vast hell can hold: That is the madman. The lover, all as frantic." (William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream)

There exists a cultural belief that the full moon is tied to mood swings, also known as the "lunar effect" or "lunar influence". "Xion" sounds like "潮" (shio) which is the Japanese word for "tide". And it is the moon's gravitational effect that has an influence on the tides. Symbolically, it was fitting that Saïx was the one who triggered Xion's mood swing and caused her to doubt her purpose for fighting.

The quote from A Midsummer Night's Dream was spoken by Theseus. He suggests that lunatics, lovers, and poets are all deeply influenced by their imaginations. Their thoughts and perceptions are shaped by the creative and often irrational workings of the mind.

The lunatic perceives imaginary demons and threats that aren't present in reality. His mind is consumed by delusions and irrational fears. Similarly, the lover is described as "frantic," indicating that love can also be a state of heightened emotion and irrationality. The lover's imagination may lead them to idealize their beloved or perceive obstacles that aren't actually there.

Axel: ...Girls are complicated, you know. Roxas: How did you know I was thinking about Xion? Axel: Because you're simple, Roxas. Well, all Nobodies are simple, but... Roxas: Are humans complicated? Axel: More complicated than Nobodies, but girls are even more complicated.

Axel obviously thought that Roxas and Xion had a little lovers' spat. And since Roxas had slowly been developing some kind of feelings for Xion due to the influence of Sora's memories of Kairi, that's probably an accurate assumption. Axel just laughed it off because he thought Roxas's infatuation was making him act paranoid. Axel called Roxas "単純" (tanjun). It means "simple". It can be used to describe a person who is straightforward or uncomplicated in their thinking or behavior.

(KH Days Novel) "Is this about the defective thing in our midst?" asked Saïx. "Am I that easy to read?" Axel shrugged. "Yes, because you're completely guileless. You always were." "Excuse me? Were you always such a jerk?" Axel retorted, taking a seat on a shelf across from Saïx.

Axel was always giving Roxas advice on matters of the heart based on his own personal experience. Because this day was about the differences between men and women, it's easy to assume that it wasn't about Saïx. But in the novel, Saïx also calls Axel "単純" (tanjun) after Xion collapsed and he was in a bad mood.

In many cultures, the moon is seen as a symbol of feminine energy and is associated with emotions, intuition, and the subconscious mind. Saïx has a few weapons named "Selene" and "Artemis". The writers chose two lunar goddesses from Greek mythology, even though they could easily have chosen male lunar deities such as Chandra or Thoth. This was to associate him with femininity.

Saïx's default weapon called "Lunatic". He also has a weapon called "Crescent" which is part of the Wild Gear set. It is shaped like the symbol for Black Moon Lilith (⚸). She is associated with primal feminine energy and the shadow self. She embodies the darker aspects of the feminine psyche and represents the shadow side of femininity, including themes of rage, jealousy, and vengefulness.

Day 171 ~Love~

Xaldin: However… the notion of love for a beast…is truly foolish. Roxas: Love? …What is love? Xaldin: It refers to the emotions that are budding between those two. Roxas: Emotions… Xaldin: Hmph… The power of love is nonsense. Roxas: The power of love? Is it some kind of special power?

One of the most famous quotes from A Midsummer Night's Dream is spoken by the character Puck. It reflects his observation of the foolishness and irrational behavior of humans, particularly in matters of love and romance. It has become an iconic quote and is often cited in discussions of human folly and the whims of love.

Roxas: What is love? Axel: Huh? Roxas: How can the power of love be born? Axel: Love is a special power that only humans possess. Roxas: Nobodies don't have it? Axel: Those kinds of things require a heart. Roxas: ... ... ...

Roxas wasn't particularly motivated to complete Kingdom Hearts on Day 94. But on this day, he seemed fascinated with the idea that he could love someone when it was complete. Roxas is simple. It's probably safe to assume that his interest in love had to do with Xion.

Axel: It's born only between beings that are special and more than just friends. That's love. Roxas: More than friends... so like best friends? Axel: It's a bit different from best friends... Roxas: Is there a relationship above best friends? Axel: It's not about above or below. Roxas: I don't really understand... Axel: Well, we don't have hearts, so it's irrelevant to us. Roxas: If we had hearts...would we understand? Axel: Once Kingdom Hearts is completed, you'll understand too.

Axel suggested that once Kingdom Hearts was completed, Roxas would also be able to understand love like humans could. The Japanese wording doesn't explicitly state whether Axel himself already understood or not. But based on the subtext, we can probably assume that he already knew what it was like to feel love. He loved his best friend and wanted to experience that feeling again.

Day 171: Project "No.i" (Saïx) Xion failed her mission. If this state continues in the future, it would be better to eliminate this replica and proceed with copying using the next one, which should result in a replica with higher capabilities. After all, "No.i" is part of the initial batch, so there are concerns about its abilities. The current situation could also be perceived as a malfunction. What on earth is Xemnas thinking?

On this day, Saïx was more determined than ever to dispose of Xion. Of course, as the Shakespeare quotes suggest, he was being entirely irrational and perceiving a threat that wasn't really there.

Day 172 ~Sound of the Surf~

Saïx: Xion is sleeping right now. Even if you go, you won't be able to do anything. Roxas: It's not about whether I can do anything or not! Saïx: Why are you so concerned about such a failure? Roxas: Failure? Are you talking about Xion?

In Carl Jung's psychology, the concept of the mirror is often used metaphorically to represent the relationship between the conscious ego and the unconscious shadow. The shadow encompasses traits, desires, impulses, and emotions that individuals find unacceptable or shameful, and that they may be repressing. That's why Aqua's shadow-self emerged from the magic mirror.

Jung proposed that individuals often project their unconscious shadow qualities onto others, perceiving them as externalized aspects of themselves. Like a mirror, other people and external events reflect back to us aspects of our own psyche that we may not be aware of or are reluctant to acknowledge.

Saïx: Regardless of what happens to it, it's none of your concern. Roxas: Whether it's my concern or not doesn't matter. Saïx: What's the point of worrying about "something that doesn't exist"? Roxas: We're all in the same boat when it comes to things that don't exist.

Xemnas wasn't bothered by Xion's failure to defeat Riku. Saïx simply wanted to dispose of her because he was jealous. So, he projected aspects of himself that he hated onto her. It all gave me the impression that Isa was probably bad at fighting, failed his missions as an apprentice, and relied on Lea to do most of the work for him.

Saïx: Even if Xion were to break, it wouldn't change your position.

Saïx seemed unable to comprehend that Roxas was motivated by emotions and not because of any practical reasons.

Roxas: Saïx called Xion a failure... Axel: ...Xion is less of a failure than I am.

On this day, when Saïx called Xion a "failure", he used the word "出来損ない" (dekisokonai). The literal translation is "poorly made" or "botched," but it is usually used in a figurative sense. It refers to something or someone that is a failure, disappointment, or underachiever. It can be used to describe something that didn't turn out as expected or desired, or someone who hasn't lived up to their potential. Axel would get the sense that Saïx was referring Xion's failure to complete the missions and not necessarily anything more.

(KH Days Novel) "You are to discover the identity of the outsider," he told her. "Those are direct orders from Lord Xemnas. Failure is the same as insubordination. You understand that, don't you?" "Wha…?" Xion had no idea that Xemnas had chosen her for this mission. To the best of her knowledge, Saïx was the one in charge of assigning tasks.

However, in both the novel and manga, Saïx told Xion that Xemnas had personally assigned her the mission and that if she failed, it would be the same as insubordination, which is defined as intentional defiance of authority or refusal to obey orders.

Day 172: The Meaning of Words (Axel) There must be a hidden meaning behind Saïx's words. Why doesn't Xion have the qualifications of an Organization member? Saïx said it is what it looks like. Is he implying that she resembles Naminé in some way? It's hard to believe that there's no connection between Naminé and Xion. But then, whose Nobody is Xion? What is Saïx hiding?

So, there may have been a deeper meaning behind Saïx's usage of the word "failure". It potentially means being a traitor. A recusant. And if Xion were labeled a recusant, she would be punished.

Day 193 ~Memories~

Day 193: Dreams, or Memories? (Xion) I finally wake up, just to pass out again? Why? Because I'm a failure? I dreamt the whole while I was out. It was something nostalgic, but what? Why can't I remember? It could be a key memory from my human life. All I can remember is the sound of waves, gentle, in the distance.

In A Midsummer Night's Dream, Helena reflected on how sleep can sometimes provide temporary relief from feelings of sorrow or sadness. Sleep has the ability to close the metaphorical "eye" of sorrow, offering a brief respite from emotional pain. Xion was constantly dreaming about Sora. She wanted to go back "home".

Saïx: It's better for you not to move yet. [...] Roxas is scheduled to go on today's mission with Axel. Your presence is not planned. Xion: I want to go too. I want to limber up a bit. Axel: How about I go as a guardian? Saïx: ... ... ... ...Understood. Do as you please.

Saïx knew what was going on with Xion absorbing Roxas's memories. He knew she was gonna collapse. He only agreed to let them go when Axel offered to go, too. Because he was trying to hurt Axel.

Saïx: In the end, it collapsed again. The failure. Roxas: Don't say it like that...! Axel: Shut your mouth.

Here, Saïx used the word "shippaisaku" again instead of "dekisokonai". Both words refer to something that is considered a failure or disappointment, but there are subtle differences in nuance. "Dekisokonai" can be used broadly to describe various types of failures or shortcomings, such as Xion failing her missions.

"Shippaisaku" is more commonly used to describe unsuccessful creations or projects. It gives off a dehumanizing feel, like you're talking about a thing rather than a person. Axel was very angry, and not just because Saïx called Xion a bad name. That word was triggering to him. After all, the day was called "Memories".

Subject X and Notes on Mental Experimentation 2 During the initial experiment, several candidates were tested, but they all broke down mentally. I did not want anything to happen to her, my special subject. In the midst of all this, it was revealed to my mentor that I had used numerous subjects for testing and repeated experiments. The results of the tests were severely criticized, the research was terminated, and the results destroyed. Not only that, but she disappeared along with the release of many subjects. Where are the subjects now?

Xehanort used "特別な" (tokubetsu na) to refer to Subject X. It means "special" or "unique." It refers to something or someone that is distinctive, extraordinary, or holds significance beyond the ordinary. It implies a sense of rarity, importance, or exceptional value. Roxas and Xion were both special, too. They were all objectively special.

Axel also used "tokubetsu na" to describe how love is only born between people who are special to each other. Isa was probably not considered special like Subject X was. In an objective sense, he was probably considered to be pretty worthless, actually. He was only "special" in a subjective sense because of Lea's feelings for him.

Saïx: ...You've changed. What happened in Castle Oblivion? Are you ready to discard the past?

That was Saïx's only source of value, and he thought Xion threatened to take that away from him. He thought Axel changed because the past was no longer important to him. But that wasn't the case.

Axel: You passed, Sora. You have the power. The power to walk through Castle Oblivion. Guided by memories burned into your heart and precious memories on the brink of being forgotten, you will encounter precious people. Goofy: Can we meet the king? Axel: Think again about who is the most precious to you. The more precious the feelings, the deeper they are hidden in the heart— unable to be recalled. Sora, you must have such memories too. Sora: Me too? Axel: You've lost sight of the light in the darkness, to the point where you've forgotten that you've lost it. [...] But I'll give you a warning. When sleeping memories awaken, you may not be yourself anymore.

The romantic subtext between Roxas and Xion was quite obvious due to their connections to Sora and Kairi. Xion was precious to Roxas because he possessed Sora's most precious memories, which were those of Kairi, the girl who was special to him.

The romantic subtext between Axel and Saïx was a lot more subtle, but it was still there. Axel's memories of Isa were equivalent to Sora's memories of Kairi. After Castle Oblivion, he remembered his most precious person and he was always projecting those precious memories onto Xion. And that was what caused him to change.

Roxas: ...Are you worried about Xion too? Axel: Of course.

During her dream, Xion was reliving the moment when Sora turned the Keyblade on himself and turned into a Heartless. It was probably the same type of situation with Axel. He seemed to be reminded of something with the sleeping Xion, similar to how the sleeping Roxas reminded Xemnas of when Ventus collapsed. Isa was probably imprisoned in the Chamber of Repose after the failed experiment, similar to Subject X when they first met her.

Roxas: It feels kind of strange. Axel: What do you mean? Roxas: Axel, you hate annoying things, right?

In the localization, Roxas said Axel hates "complications". But I don't think that got the intended message across. Roxas used the word "面倒くさい" (mendokusai). It means "troublesome" or "bothersome". It is often used to describe tasks, situations, or people that are annoying or inconvenient. And that idea fits more with Axel's catchphrase where he always gets stuck with the unpleasant jobs.

Axel: Hey, Roxas... Why do you think we're eating ice cream together every day in that place? Roxas: ...Huh? Axel: I don't have any use for it. If you think about it normally, it's just a hassle, isn't it? [...] Want me to tell you? It's because we're best friends.

Axel used the word "用" (yō). It has several meanings, including "use," "purpose," or "need." He wanted to emphasize that best friends don't value each other for how useful they are in a practical sense. Eating ice cream together has no objective purpose, but that doesn't matter.

Day 255 ~The Longest Day~

"Things base and vile, holding no quantity, love can transpose to form and dignity. Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind." (William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream)

The above A Midsummer Night's Dream quote is also one of the play's most famous and iconic. And it encapsulates one of the biggest themes of the 358/2 Days narrative. Love is a transformative force that transcends physical appearance and superficial qualities. Love depends not on an objective assessment of appearance or value but rather on an individual perception of the beloved.

The third eye (also called the mind's eye) is an invisible eye, located on the forehead, which provides perception beyond ordinary sight. And I thought it was very interesting that Saïx's scar was located over his third eye, and he was the only one unable to "see" Xion. It does suggest that some sort of mental experimentation was performed.

(KH Days Novel) Axel stared at him as if trying to figure something out and then grinned. "Right, that first week you could barely form a sentence."

The game began with a preview of Day 255, which was called "The Longest Day." The summer solstice, also known as midsummer, marks the longest day of the year and the shortest night, with the sun reaching its highest point in the sky. A Midsummer Night's Dream is set around the time of the summer solstice. The themes of love, transformation, and the blurring of reality and fantasy were heightened by the setting of the summer solstice. And those themes were also present in the narrative of 358/2 Days as well.

(KH Days Novel) The sun sank lower and lower as Axel watched, his mind wandering. If he stared for too long, the image would burn itself into his eyes, visible even after his eyes were closed. A phantom sun. Someone had once told him why sunsets were red… Who was that?

On Day 96 of the novelization, Axel closed his eyes until he could only see the illusion of the sunset in his mind. And he remembered that someone else told him about the red sunset. There's really no one else it could have been but Isa. It was one of the most precious memories sleeping deep in the shadows of Axel's heart.

Roxas: I don't remember anything before joining the Organization, so for the first few days, I was just in a daze. After that, I wanted to remember everything properly. Axel: Yeah, for about the first week, you couldn't even talk properly, and you're still kind of out of it. Roxas: That's harsh! Axel: Hey Roxas, do you know why the sunset is red? Light comes in different colors, and among them, red reaches the farthest distance. That's why. Roxas: Why are you so proud of that, Axel?

Axel looked off the side before telling Roxas about the red sunset, indicating it was something he'd just remembered in that moment. And his Japanese voice acting during that scene was so nostalgic and wistful. Again, based on subtext, I suspect it was probably the first thing Isa said to him after he became lucid again after his mental breakdown. Which was why Roxas's comment made him remember.

Roxas: Seriously, where is she?

And in Japanese, the day has another meaning. "長い日" (nagai hi) refers to a day that feels exceptionally long or seems to drag on due to various factors such as boredom, exhaustion, or a heavy workload. In Axel's case, it was because he was dreading telling Roxas the news.

276 ~Disorder~

Xion: Is it that I'm not supposed to exist? Axel: Well, what do you want to do, Xion? Xion: I want…I want to be with you two. Roxas: Then come back with us. Xion: I can't… Not the way I am now. But…what would it take for me to be like you?

In the above quote, Demetrius is addressing Helena, who is convinced that she is awake and experiencing reality. However, Demetrius questions the nature of their current state, suggesting that they might still be asleep and dreaming. This uncertainty reflects the topsy-turvy world created by the interference of the fairies, particularly Puck, who has enchanted the characters with a love potion, causing them to fall in and out of love with each other.

Roxas: I got to go to the beach today for my mission. There was this girl there who looked kind of like Xion…but I couldn't get close enough to tell for sure. I probably imagined it. To be honest, I'm not even sure today's mission really happened. I feel like I just woke up from a dream or something. This is gonna sound crazy, but you know how we promised each other we'd all go to the beach? Well, I think I only saw her there because I wanted her to be there.

Metaphorically, the quote highlights the theme of perception versus reality and the blurred lines between the waking world and the realm of dreams. It suggests that what appears to be real may actually be illusory, and that true understanding can be elusive in a world filled with magical enchantment and shifting emotions.

Day 299 ~Sora~

Saïx: I see. And what about the man in the black coat? Xemnas: Do not allow any further contact with Roxas. He is nothing more than an impurity hindering Xion becoming a more perfect being. Saïx: Then everything will proceed according to the original plan…

"Things base and vile, holding no quantity, love can transpose to form and dignity." Xion was nothing but a blank puppet and an imaginary number with no quantity. She only took on a form to the perceiver because of Sora's most precious memories within Roxas.

(KH Days Novel) I just did what I thought was the best thing at the time. For Roxas, for Xion, for the Organization—and for Isa. But most of all for me.

The idea behind "love is blind" is that love can create a kind of emotional blindness, where individuals are unable to see reality objectively. When someone is deeply in love, they may be unable or unwilling to see any faults or imperfections in their partner, even if those flaws would be apparent to an outside observer. This can sometimes lead to situations where people remain in unhealthy or toxic relationships because they are unable to see the negative consequences or red flags due to their intense feelings of love.

Axel: Was this really the right decision? Saïx: For you to say something like that... between that puppet and Roxas, which one is more important to you? Let me change the question. Between your petty friendship game and Roxas's disappearance, which one is more important to you? Everything has returned to normal. It must be the right decision, right? Even Xemnas is annoyed by the recent change in plans. We need to restore everything to normal. It's for our goal, too, Lea.

This time, when Saïx used the word "important" he used "大事な" (daijina) instead of "大切な" (taisetsuna). Both words mean "important" and are often used interchangeably. However, there are subtle differences. As I've said "taisetsuna" is used to emphasize emotional or sentimental value. And typically, "daijina" conveys the sense of something being important in a practical or utilitarian sense.

Saïx didn't seem particularly threatened by Axel's relationship with Roxas. Probably because Axel wasn't put in the position where he had to worry or be as protective of Roxas, the way he was with Xion. And Saïx also knew that Roxas was important to their shared goal of completing Kingdom Hearts. So, Saïx valued him in a utilitarian sense. In essence, he was telling Axel to choose between Xion or him.

Saïx was telling Axel, the assassin, to do the dirty work of eliminating Xion for him. So that their original plan could get back on its smooth course. "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind." This cutscene was directed to look like the scene from KH2, when Sora closed his eyes and could see Riku in his mind, looking the way he truly was meant to look.

Day 352 ~Sunset~

(KH Days Novel) "How are you feeling, Roxas?" "…Same as always." Saïx smirked at the reply—and a chill ran through Axel at how vicious it was. "I have an urgent mission especially for you and your Keyblade," said Saïx. "There's a fearsome Heartless that's surfaced in Halloween Town."

In Japanese, Saïx's moniker is "月に舞う" or "Demon Dancing in the Moon". The word used for "demon" was "魔人" (majin). "魔" (ma) means "demon" or "evil spirit," and "人" (jin) means "person". Together, "majin" refers to a person with demonic or supernatural qualities.

Saïx has a pair of same-shaped weapons called "King of the Night" and "Queen of the Night". Dracula is sometimes referred to as "King of the Night," such as in the Castlevania series. Many legends and works of fiction depict vampires as being more powerful and bloodthirsty during the full moon. And while Saïx was always unpleasant, Day 352 is when he showed a truly evil side to his personality. He set Roxas and Xion up to kill each other in Halloween Town underneath the full moon until Axel intervened.

Saïx: Can't you just let things run their course?

"So quick bright things come to confusion." Lysander was reflecting on the transience of happiness and how quickly joyful moments can turn into chaos or confusion. Lysander's observation underscores the theme of instability and unpredictability in matters of love and human relationships, which is a recurring motif throughout the play.

Day 352: What I Must Do (Xion) I love Roxas and Axel. I think that's what I feel, but I bet Saïx would laugh, saying it's just false emotions fabricated from memory. But I loved spending time with Roxas and Axel on top of the clock tower. I wish we could stay like this, the three of us, forever. But it has to end now. I'll never forget today's sunset. Even if Roxas and Axel forget, I won't forget.

Xion used the word "好き" (suki) instead of "愛" (ai), which was the word used on Day 171. She certainly loved Axel and Roxas, which was why she made the decision to disappear at the Beast's Castle. But I think the writers were trying to emphasize that it was different than what she felt for Sora. Xion was the personification of the memories in the shadows of Sora's heart. She was his shadow self. She didn't want to say goodbye to her best friends, but she also yearned to watch the sunset with the person she loved in the "ai" sense.

Xion: A beautiful sunset. Even though it's the same sunset I've always seen, it looks especially beautiful today. I wish we could always be together like this, the three of us. […] Axel: What's important isn't meeting up every day— Xion: —It's thinking about each other even when we're not together, right?

Axel was definitely lying when he said he'd never seen a Winner ice cream stick before. The fact that their time together as a trio was coming to an end is what made him remember it in the first place. And he used the same words from Day 96. Only that time, he did feel sentimental towards Roxas and Xion. But Axel was trying to be the mature realistic adult in the situation.

Axel: If somebody doesn't break it, someday, you will no longer be you. Roxas will no longer be Roxas. Roxas: I am me. Still the best friend of Axel. Xion is also my important best friend! Axel: No, that's not it. It's not about that, Roxas. Roxas: Enough. Axel: That's not it, Roxas.

The theme "love is blind" also pertained to Roxas's relationship with Xion. To some extent, Axel was able to view the situation with Xion more objectively than Roxas. He could tell that she was a puppet that was absorbing his power and was dangerous. So, the next day, he let her run away from the Organization. He tried to explain the situation logically to Roxas, but Roxas couldn't accept it, and ran away too.

Day 355 ~Unsaid, Unheard~

(KH Days Novel) "Because they copied my powers, the Keyblade's power, and then they didn't need me anymore—is that it?" Roxas spat. He couldn't bring himself to confirm it. "I guess you felt the same way, huh, Axel?" At those words, something wrenched in his chest, and he could hardly breathe. No, not me. I wasn't thinking like that. I would never. "That's not true. You—you're my best friend." The words spilled out of him.

More than anything, Axel wanted to emphasize that best friends don't value each other for how useful they are. And that no doubt had some connection to his human memories with Isa.

(KH Days Novel) "We don't need them both. Just one. And pretending won't change it." We, who? Axel wanted to ask, but he held it in, along with a bitter laugh. He wasn't sure if that "we" meant Organization XIII or just Saïx and himself. Axel realized how great the rift was between how he remembered past and what he saw now.

Saïx may very well have been possessed by some soul/mind that had other motivations subconsciously driving him to complete Kingdom Hearts at all costs. But all the subtext indicated that his conscious motivations were very simple. He wanted to complete Kingdom Hearts to get his heart back. He wanted the power of Kingdom Hearts because he wanted the power to love and be loved in return.

Day 356: Unforeseen Circumstances (Saïx) Lea, what did you ultimately want? The plan we decided on, entering the Organization together... No, that's already just wishful thinking. Everything has changed. You, and me too…

It would have been quite a twist if Axel and Saïx's big plan was simply being together forever eating ice cream every single day and watching the sunset. And there is a lot of evidence in the original text to suggest that that was indeed their plan. I also found it interesting that in Axel's Report from Day 118, he denied that he changed. But Saïx acknowledged in his final report that he had changed.

Comparing the Organisation members when they were human to when they were in the Organisation, apart from Xehanort, only Isa and Braig have differently-shaped ears and differently-coloured eyes - why is this? Nomura: It's a question of whether or not they're deeply connected to Xehanort. In Braig's case, comparing the scene where he's injured in his battle with Terra and flares up at Xehanort, his appearance afterwards changes, which hints that something happened with Xehanort in between. (BBS Ultimania, March 2010)

Xion was a puppet made to duplicate Sora's powers. And over time, she began to appear as him instead of Kairi. And the thirteen vessels were puppets made to be duplicates of Xehanort. After being experimented on and turned into a vessel, Isa would have noticed certain physical changes such as the golden eyes and pointy ears.

By the way, Braig's dealings with Master Xehanort in Birth by Sleep make sense, he was to become a vessel. Nomura: There is a certain reason for Braig to proudly exclaim, "As for me, I'm already half Xehanort." Isa (Saix) is included too. I think you'll understand the details about their circumstances eventually. What happens to the hearts of those who have had Master Xehanort's heart planted within them? Nomura: They'll gradually be swallowed by it. As for Master Xehanort, he plans to control them completely. The planted parts of the heart are captured rather than disappear. (Famitsu, May 2012)

And maybe Isa didn't want to lose his identity and become someone else. So, he thought it would be better for him to not exist anymore.

Day 356 ~Role~

(KH Days Novel) "How do you know that?" Axel demanded. "Everyone thinks they're right…" "This is right," Xion said firmly. "It's better this way." Axel hated that argument. Nothing was better any which way. All it came down to was what you wanted to do and what you didn't. He'd learned that lesson back when he had a heart. "So it's better for you to disappear?" he protested.

Because I definitely got the impression that Axel was reliving a situation from his past that was extremely similar to the situation with Xion. And that's what the novelization hinted at, too.

In Japanese, the title for this day is "役目" (yakume). It means "duty" or "role". It refers to a task, responsibility, or function that someone is expected to fulfill or perform. And it's a reference to when Axel says, "The dirty work always seems to fall on me."

Xion: …No holding back now, Axel. Axel: Stop fucking around! Don't underestimate me! I've made up my mind! No matter how many times you guys try to run away, I'll always be there to bring you back!

I don't think the English localization truly captured Axel's anger here. In Japanese, he says, "ふざけんな" (fuzakenna). It's a very direct way of saying "Don't mess with me". Next was "てめーナメてんじゃねーぞ" (teme na meten jane zo). It's a very informal and rather aggressive way of saying "Don't underestimate me" or "Don't look down on me." It's a confrontational expression used to assert oneself and demand respect. The phrase contains strong language (teme), and it comes across as rude. So, swear words are very fitting here.

Xion was a mirror that reflected the memories of those who were bound to Sora in some way. Even Xigbar was able to see her as Ventus at times. When Axel said that he'd bring Xion back, he said "you both". In Japanese, he said "おまえら" (omaera) which means "you guys". It's specifically plural in both languages.

Axel yells at Xion, "I'll bring you back no matter how many times it takes", but why does the word "you" refer to multiple people? Nomura: That's still a secret as well. But Axel's determination here of "bring you back no matter how many times it takes" is connected to when he said he would bring Roxas back in Kingdom Hearts II. (Famitsu, August 2008)

Nomura said that the reason why Axel was referring to multiple people in that scene was a secret. It wasn't referring to Roxas, but the determination Axel felt toward bringing him back in KH2 was related. And Axel said he'd bring Roxas back even if he had to knock him unconscious. During Axel's showdown with Xion, did she actually take on the appearance of Isa to him? Is that why he could only stare down at the ground in that moment?

Lea said the same lines, "Why do I always get the icky jobs," and "I'll always be there to bring you back," to Xion in KH Days when he brought her back. Does he remember that? Nomura: The nature of the being known as Xion and all memories to do with her were erased, but he would remember other things. (KH3D Ultimania, May 2012)

In KH3D, Lea didn't remember Xion. But it was strongly implied that he did remember making that promise to Isa. Isa was probably one of the test subjects taken away by Ansem the Wise. He didn't want to be a puppet of Xehanort, in either a literal or figurative sense. Lea probably had to bring him back to join the Organization by force. That's why Axel always agreed to do any of the dirty work necessary, even though Saïx was certainly capable of doing it himself.

Day 357 ~Tears~

Roxas: Did I...hurt you? Xion: No, I'm the one who's trying to disappear on my own. I didn't want to become what Xemnas wanted, so I will go to Sora's side. I just want to return to where I belong. But I have one request. Please release the captured hearts and Kingdom Hearts. Roxas: Release...Kingdom Hearts? Xion: It seems I can't do it anymore. But you can't fulfill Xemnas's wishes. Goodbye, Roxas. Let's meet again. I'm glad I got to see you and Axel. You two are best friends. Don't forget that. Roxas: No… Let's go eat ice cream together as a trio again, Xion.

The flower tatarian aster is known in Japan as the "紫苑" (shion). In Hanakotoba, the Japanese language of flowers, it means "I'll never forget you." Roxas and Xion's Mystery Gear was called "Aubade". An aubade is a form of poetry or music that focuses on the theme of lovers parting at dawn. It typically depicts a scene where lovers must separate as day breaks, often evoking feelings of longing, melancholy, or anticipation. Day 357 was called "Tears". It referred to Roxas's tears when Xion disappeared leaving only a seashell behind.

Day 357: To My Best Friend (Axel) Roxas is gone... Leaving just the stick labeled "Winner." Typical of him. I bet tomorrow or something we'll get orders to bring him back, but leaving this behind... it really feels like the end, doesn't it? Roxas, are we still the three of us...? Well, no, just two now. Let's get some ice cream again. That's what being best friends is all about.

But it was also referring to Axel when he opened the envelope with the ice cream stick in it. "Queen of the Night" is named after a flower known as "月下美人". It literally means "beauty under the moonlight". The flower's symbolism is derived from its short flowering time. It only blooms one night a year, usually during a full moon. The flower's meaning is to enjoy the small moments because they do not last. In flower language, it represents fleeting beauty and fleeting love.

The word for "beauty" is "美人" (bijin). It means "beautiful person" and usually refers to women. Generally, "bijin" is more commonly associated with feminine beauty in Japanese language and culture. While it can technically be used to describe individuals of any gender who are considered beautiful, the term often carries connotations of traditional or stereotypical feminine beauty standards. "Majin" and "bijin" highlight the vast dichotomy between Saïx and Isa.

Axel: If you want, I'll bring you back too. Saïx: The marks under your eyes are gone, aren't they? Axel: Yeah, I don't need 'em anymore. Saïx: I taught you, who used to be such a crybaby, the charm of inverted tears. Axel: Shut up. Get out of here quickly or I'll kick your ass tomorrow!

In KH3, Saïx noticed that he had a Winner ice cream stick before he brought up the subject of Axel's tear marks. He said that he taught Lea that spell and used the word "おまじない" (omajinai). It means "spell" or "charm." It refers to a ritual or action performed with the belief that it will bring good luck or protect against misfortune.

This subject seemed to embarrass Axel. Lea was his other self, the weak crybaby that he was ashamed of and didn't like to acknowledge. In other words, his shadow. Perhaps back then Isa was trying to be the realistic mature adult, while Lea was the childish one who insisted they would be together forever? And perhaps a Winner ice cream stick was the memento Isa wanted to leave behind so Lea would always keep him in his thoughts?

I don't have a high opinion about the way KH3 handled Axel and Saïx. I understand that there wasn't enough time to show their backstory, so their relationship was sidelined to focus more on other characters. There was still a lot of romantic subtext, but the KH3 team did seem a bit uncomfortable with how utterly gay Saïx was for Axel. So, they tried to retcon his motivations to be entirely about Subject X. Which I think was very disrespectful to the story being told in 358/2 Days.

Day 359 ~The First Day~

"If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended: That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream." (William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream)

The quote "If we shadows have offended" was spoken by Puck in the final scene of the play. He addresses the audience directly, acknowledging that the events of the play, including the magical transformations, misunderstandings, and romantic entanglements, may have caused offense or confusion.

Xion: Roxas, don't be sad. I came from you and Sora. I am you…the same way that I am Sora. You'll forget me, but the memories themselves will never go away. Memories of you and me will always be together…forever, inside him.

By referring to themselves as "shadows," Puck implies that the characters and events of the play are like fleeting illusions or figments of imagination. The quote also serves as a kind of epilogue or closing statement, in which Puck reassures the audience that all will be "mended," or set right, if they view the play's events as nothing more than a fantastical dream experienced during a slumber.

#long post #kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts 358/2 days #roxas #xion #kh axel #saix #rokushi #akusai #kh isa #leaisa #kh meta

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mrhaitch · 3 months ago

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Hello Mr Haitch,

I'm sending this to both you and Haitch, so if you are seeing double that's why. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, an opinion? Maybe just talking to either of you will provide me with solace. Please bare with me as I write this - and you read - as words are not my strong suit.

So, I'm 19 - almost 20 - ( scary stuff ), and I just feel.. well, is there really a word? Alone; regretful; fucking empty. I haven't even lived through a quarter of my life yet, and I already feel as if it's been wasted. I know that there are still so many years with experiences I will remember in my rocking chair, and I don't plan to go down that route by any means. Because I want to live. But, I'm so tired. People need people, but I am not needed by anyone nor do I have anyone to need. I mean, quite literally one of the people whom I care the most for in this world is in my god-damned head. Of course, I have my family but that's different. It always is.

You're not a therapist, so I won't rattle on any more about this and that because it's not fair to burden you with a stranger's issues - this isn't even half of what I want to scream about from the fucking rooftops though. But, I'd like to say: here and now, that I want to change. And, y'know, I saw this quote once - about change ( it's not something I really feel comfortable with ). It went along the lines of: " I want to do this; But, I'm scared; Then do it scared. "

It'd be nice to not be scared of doing it.

I'll make a deal with you, not that you have to agree. I will message again in a month, maybe two, maybe in a year's time - who knows. An update, based upon what I have written and whatever your reply may be. No pressure, eh?

---

And, finally, one last thing: I would like to express my gratitude for both you and Mr Haitch on this platform - your dynamic, companionship ( both seemingly physical and online ); I envy the love you share. Not to just each other, but to us. Strangers through a screen. I never would have found you had it not been for Tumblr, so I appreciate that and you.

Speak to you again soon (I'll be waving at you behind my screen whenever you two post something new ). x 🌻

You have recognised something in yourself and made that commitment - there is no advice you need, either from us or anyone. It's a big step, and you've already taken it.

One thing I will give is a quote I wrote at the top of my journal when I started my PHD, and recite to myself when I'm about to make a big decision or do something I'm worried about:

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." - Henry David Thoreau

The essential point is 'living deliberately': make choices. So many of us lapse into holding-patterns or routines that we find ourselves stuck in the weeds with no idea how we got there. Living deliberately means getting somewhere and having at least some notion of why.

Going one step further: love deliberately. I'm with Haitch because I choose her, every day. I look at everything we have, everything we want, and I look at her - then I make my choice. It's why, when I engage with all of you, I try to say only what I mean and can reach inside to the squishier, vulnerable parts of myself.

Thank you for your kind words, and we're here whenever you have something you want to share. Be as bold as you can, live with your chin high, live with your heart open, and learn to remain soft and gentle when the world wants you to have nothing but hard edges.

You've got this.

#mr.haitch #mrhaitch #mr haitch #mrhaitch answers you too

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thatfoxnamedfinley · 5 months ago

Text

That shout into the wind aka Golden Son thoughts

Holy FUCK

it got worse and better at the same time

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT LETS GOooOOoOoooOo

Holy fuck

holy ACTUAL fuck

I was up listening to my audiobook until 6:30AM because I could NOT stop

Here my dumbass thought that the last hour would be CALMING. It would be able to SLOW DOWN from all the non stop action of the book.

Ok ok ok lemme start with other thoughts first before the clusterfuck that was the end of this book.

Karnus au Bellona had one of my favorite quotes of the book. He and Darrow are speaking to each other (I also love that if you paid attention here, Karnus gives the hint about the assassination attempt that Octavia was planning to let happen here) at this party thing. Darrow asks why Karnus wants to kill him despite having everything and Karnus responds that Darrow has dishonored his family. Darrow's like "Pfff so it's pride? Pride is but a shout into the wind." And Karnus responds with, and let me get my papers. It reads as follows *stacks papers and reads*

"I will die. You will die. We will all die and the universe will carry on without care. All we have is that shout into the wind. How we live. How we go and how we stand before we fall. So you see...pride is the only thing."

And I'm sitting here squinting at my ceiling like DAMN bro that's a fucking LINE.

OH OH AND HOLY FUCK WHEN DARROW HUMILIATES CASSIUS!!!!

"AND I CLAIM THE SWORD ARM OF CASSIUS AU BELLONA."

I was slightly confused because Darrow's training with Lorn was off screen so when Darrow was twirling with the Willow Way I was like WAIT WHAT??? But boiiii Cassius BUH BYEEEEE. I know that will be a problem later but...still. I'm happy to live in my bubble for at least the remainder as I type this before I start Book 3.

Roque. *folds hands on table*

I....get it, I suppose. Still don't like it, still disappointed. It's hard to blame Darrow even though he was warned to make amends. Mostly because Darrow has major trust issues and the more bad things that happen with betrayals (Tactus, Jackal, Roque. I'd say Pliny too but we never liked Pliny and he wasn't a friend, so.) it's only going to reinforce that.

Don't get me STARTED on Mustang. Like WOMAN. You're up Darrow's ass day and night 25/8 466 days a year to tell you about the truth and he does and you're like

The one time I didn't like her. I was like BITCH STOP IT. JUST STOP IT. DARROW PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DARKNESS SO I CAN ACCEPT YOU FULLY. OH WAIT NO NOT THAT DARKNESS NOOOOOO DARROW HOW COULD YOU

like pls stop

I kinda want him to be with Victra. I love her. I actually shouted when during the battle her mother turned the ship around and switched sides and Victra's ship released the Telemanus war party into the Bellona fleet. I was like HOLY FUCK VICTRA IS MY ACTUAL QUEEN. SHE IS IN FACT THE MAIN CHARACTER. I just love her and wish she was Darrow's wife in arms. Those two would be BAD.

Tactus. Sigh. Poor guy but fuck him. GENUINELY poor Tactus but also genuinely fuck Tactus.

SEVRO AND DARROW'S SCENE WHEN THE BURDON LIFTS OFF HIS SHOULDERS THAT SEVRO KNOWS AND STILL IS THERE TO HELP HIM

phhewwwww I almost cried. ALMOST.

And now we come to my baby child. My sweet sunshine. The light of my life. Ragnar. Our sweet baby boi Obsidian. Our Stained.

So many amazing moments with him. Truly. His actual fear when Darrow sits with him in that freezer and tells him he is free. And Ragnar is like "?????? YOU SHAME ME ??????" That like he really sees freedom from a Gold's service as a shame upon him because of how the Obsidians have been used in history. Which by the way, is disgusting. I have a huge love for Obsidians because of their past and how they were culled and used and taught to see the Golds as gods. And here comes Darrow trottin' up like "yo so uh, we're all the same, i was born in the dirt and oh I'm a Red and uhhh you're free and uhhh choose your own destiny. ok bye!"

And Ragnar is like

When he gives Ragnar the Razor? Don't touch me. Him somehow slinking around UNHEARD and being Darrow's bodyguard? I live. Him threatening Mustang from the darkness, saying that Reaper is too important to the people to be killed, that he lives for his sisters and his brother and his two fathers and his mother and that Mustang has 10 breathes before he ends her life?

ICONIC.

I hope he lives a long, prosperous and beautiful life.

"Tell all who will hear; The Reaper sails to Mars. And he calls for an Iron Rain." GOOOOOOSSSIIEESSSSS. I had GOOSEBUMPS BITCH

Ok. Let me calm down. *wipes a single tear away with thumb*

It's the end, I said. The war is OVER, I said. It was fought, I said. Darrow will be adopted and will be a step closer to the top and he-

Wait, please don't say that Pierce Brown. Please don't tell me the dude who just gave Lorn a drink has "a familiar walk". WHO IS THAT. WHO IS IT. NO N ON O WHO IS THAT TELL MEEEE

And then the fan was hit by literal shit. The shit didn't hit the fan, the fan was hit by shit.

Roque? Betrayal. Jackal? Betrayal (wasn't shocked, but how long a game Jackal played to get Darrow was commendable because his "long concealed hate filled smile" he gave Darrow I was like DAMN bro he got us). Nero? Shot in the fucking face. Lorn? Stabbed and head cut off. Ares? Decapitated in a box. Darrow? Paralyzed, traumatized and taken. Great. Just great. Fabulous. Stupendous. Ideal. Warranted. Understandable. Un-traumatizing. Calming, in fact.

aRE yOU FUCKinG KIDDING Me?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!!??!?!?!?!?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO TO SLEEP LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED AFTER THAT MY HEART RATEkar IS AT 120, BITCH

MY FIGHT OR FLIGHT IS ACTIVATED

MY AMYGDALA IS FIRING AT THE SPEED OF SOUND

I'm scared to read Book 3. I'm frightened. I lost 14 days off my life from the last hour of this book. Is it even worth the torment? Is it worth the pain? Probably.

Just....let me be dramatic for a few hours.

Then I'll pop in Book 3 and probably cry harder

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF THEY TOUCH RAGNAR I WILL BE DEVASTATED

Then again knowing this book series he's going to die for sure

I'm scared

#red rising saga #golden son #Darrow #darrow au andromedus #darrow of lykos #cassius au bellona #roque au fabii #Victra #victra au Julii #jackal #adrius au augustus #mustang #virginia au augustus #ragnar #sweet baby Ragnar

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lloydfrontera · 1 year ago

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wait lmao what I didn't know there was such a skip. I'm sorry this is comedy to me. so you're telling me they have this crazy ass dimension-jumping shenanigans with Javier tearing up as he finally finds Lloyd, his best friend, the most important person in his life, while it's a mutual statement for the both of them, and then we get no dialogue. and skip to Lloyd getting shoved into a hetero romance with no build up. sorry I can't believe this is real. this sounds like a joke and I choose to treat is as such. this is the most hilarious ending and the marriage now feels even more out of place hdufiskaoa9o

OH MY FUCKING GOD RIGHT?!?!?!! it is weird isn't it???? i'm not being crazy for feeling like it's a weird ass choice??? i felt like i was going insane!! i swear to god i felt like i was being gaslighted when i read it!!! there was no way that was the ending!! there was no way that ch 401 ended with one of the most romantic and heartfelt scenes i have ever read and then the next chapter just????? did a time skip where none of that was acknowledged and lloyd was just fucking married off to alicia??? completely off-screen if i may add!

i made a post about it before but i simply need to rant all over again oh my god

general warning for spoilers because i'm about to dissect the entire novel through a llojavi lens

AGAIN. SPOILERS WARNING FOR THE ENDING OF TGED.

i literally cannot express how much of a mid fuck it is when you realize that lloyd and javier's relationship is very much Thee Slowburn of tged. like. this is an indisputable fact. even if you don't think there's anything romantic between them, which, holy fuck that's such a fucking reach one must be really be in denial to not see it but whatever, even then you simply cannot argue that their relationship isn't the most important one in the entire story.

javier is the very first person lloyd talks to in the first chapter. he's the first person that welcomes him into his new life. he's the one he has to work the hardest to endear himself to. he's the one he spends the most time with. he's the one that follows him around literally everywhere he goes.

from the very beginning their relationship is given a special attention that few other things get in the plot.

through the entire story we get constant moments of them getting to know each other as people and getting closer as a result. they're constantly in each other's thoughts, which is very natural as they're in each other's company almost 24/7. it is actually hard to find a chapter where they not talking to each other or at the very least together. i cannot emphasize enough how,,, enmeshed and entangled they are with one another as characters. i mean it when i say they are a set do not separate them.

it takes lloyd 222 chapters to even admit to himself that javier is his friend and that he wants to keep him safe not because he's the protagonist of the story or useful to him or anything like that but simply because he cares for him and doesn't want him to die. because, and i quote, 'he thought he'd always be with javier for the rest of his life. just like now, he thought they'd spend all their time together moving forward. and like they always did, they'd be by each other's side during hard times. happy moments. relaxed days. they'd share all these moments as they exchanged insults and corny jokes, growing old as a lazy lord of a fiefdom and his knight. lloyd always thought so. the thought just came naturally, without much effort from him, much like breathing. lloyd believed that javier would always remain by his side as that was how it had been until now.' (ch222) <- actual textual quote. btw. if you even care.

and then. it takes javier 320 chapters, a hundred chapters more, to realize that he cares about lloyd much more than a knight cares about his lord's son. because he, and once again i quote, 'is [his] true master in [his] heart. lloyd was his friend. and now, javier wanted to protect lloyd. he would sincerely protect him with everything he had.' <- this is, if i may add some context, said as javier is fighting against a goddamn angel, literally heaven's will, to protect lloyd. after figuring out lloyd is a fake. that he's been lying to javier for several years about almost everything including who he is. and yet. this is what javier feels for him.

they are the definition of a slowburn. it takes them this long to even admit they are friends. and this is with us getting to see them together almost every chapter of the way. we get to see every step of the way. we see their relationship develop with all manner of detail.

and then. when you think you cannot get even more dramatic about them. guess what the major conflict of the plot is. guess fucking what the last obstacle for the story to get a happy ending is.

let me set the scene for you:

lloyd has just finished the jewel of truth, the artifact that will get him the answer he seeks on how to stop the restoration of fate, how he can stop destiny from making the original events of the novel come true and destroy everything he has worked and kill everyone he loves. he has javier at his side, who rushed to join him underwater to make sure he was safe and sound while using it, and he can't help but fondly think how lucky he is to have javier, who is loyal and true and has never abandoned him.

a quote of lloyd's thoughts in this scene:

That’s why, you bastard. I’m going to take care of you until the very end. Once I, your wise and older friend, solve the restoration of destiny problem, you’re going to enjoy the rest of your life by my side in peace. [...] He smiled at Javier and thought to himself. You’re my only friend, Javier. I couldn’t have overcome all the obstacles in front of me without your help. So, my trustworthy and reliable comrade, stick with me until I become a lazy lord and you become my personal guard. I hope we will be able to grow old together… -ch 327

as you can see. he's once again planning on spending the rest of his life with javier. canonically. not even an interpretation this is straight up textual i cannot emphasize enough

and then. the jewel of truth gives him the answer. how to stop the restoration of fate. it's very easy. very simple solution in fact.

either lloyd or javier have to die or otherwise vanish from existence.

that's it. there can only be one protagonist in the world and because of everything lloyd has done he's now being acknowledged by fate as the protagonist of the story along with javier. which cannot stand.

so that's the only thing stopping lloyd from getting his happy ending. he just,,, has to either kill his best friend or kill himself.

let me rephrase this from a narrative perspective: the major conflict of the story is now lloyd facing either the choice of letting everything he's achieved and everyone he loves be destroyed. losing his best friend, the person he cares the most about and has been developing an extremely close relationship through the entire plot. or dying himself.

lloyd of course then spends the rest of the plot trying to find a way to avoid having to die. that's literally what the rest of the novel is about. lloyd trying by all means possible seeking a way to not having to die. because at no point, does he ever consider letting javier die in his place even an option. he doesn't want to die of course, but he never saw javier sacrificing himself as the solution to that problem.

the entire conflict of the last part of the novel is lloyd finding a way for him and javier to be able to remain together without either of them having to sacrifice their lives for the other.

he doesn't succeed.

they end up in a battle down in hell where both of them try to give for one another leading to this absolutely delightful parallel

so fucking tasty oh my god i still go crazy when i see this set of illustrations actually

lloyd wins btw. he gets to sacrifice his life for javier. to javier's absolute heartbreak.

but lloyd doesn't die. he does end up stuck in korea tho, a place he would've rather died than go back to, so he has that going on for him. he's back in his goshiwon, absolutely heartbroken and without knowing what to do.

and then we end up with that scene. javier at his doorstep, having crossed dimensions, tearing up as he sees him and tells him how much he's missed him, looking at him with this face:

now. let's pause here. let's take a moment. take in everything i've just explained. everything that has happened to get to this point.

be honest with me. what would you say is the most natural way the story can progress from here.

take into account all that i have recounted and that i skipped so many other things of the same nature so we wouldn't be here all day.

what do you as a reader would expect to happen next

well, i'll tell you:

cut to black we're now an unspecified amount of time later lloyd has already had all the important conversations we've been waiting to see the entire time off screen and is now preparing himself for his wedding to alicia that we will also not get to see by the way

and you know what the funniest thing is. you know what is the cherry on top.

fucking guess who's the last person we see him talk with.

guess who's the person he ends the novel sharing a smile with.

yeah. Yeah.

i really don't know what else to say. i don't know how else to explain how insane this feels. how incredibly dissonant it comes across. i don't want to use the worse gaslighting like this but it's the closest word i can find to describe what it feels like. i feel like i'm being told something is happening when i can see with my own eyes it is not. or rather that i'm seeing something happen and i'm being told that no it is not and that i'm making it up.

i don't know what bk moon was going for. i really don't. especially when this is what he has to say about chapter 401 aka the chapter with javier coming to find lloyd in korea

clearly he feels very strongly about this scene too. it's the one he's been wanting to show the most, he must have analyzed it from every angle possible, must have put special care to get across what he wanted to convey with it.

so why does it feel like the last true chapter of the novel is meant to,,, undercut the feeling of it?? it almost feels as if the last chapter is telling us 'yeah yeah those two are extremely devoted to each other and would and have given their lives for one another and plan on growing old at each other's sides but don't worry :) it's nothing more than them being pals :) just two guys being really good friends :) see, lloyd is even getting married to a woman that's his real happy ending he's not gay or anything :)'

and this is not me saying that two friends cannot be devoted to each other. absolutely not of course friends can love each other platonically and that be more than enough to justify their devotion to one another.

but. it feels weird when the entire novel is dedicated to building up the relationship between lloyd and javier, taking so much time to make us really feel like their relationship is growing at a realistic pace, take almost 3/4 of the novel to even make them come to terms with how much they care for one another, spend actual years following their development,,, and then make lloyd just marry someone else. someone the novel really didn't spend enough time with to justify him developing feels for her.

this is not a diss against alicia i have nothing against her i just don't... buy that lloyd developed romantic feelings for her. much less that he acted on them that easily.

this is a man who took 222 chapters and several years in-universe to even accept that javier, the person he spent all day with, with whom he spoke almost every single day, who he had risked his life for and had been saved by several times at that point, was even his friend.

and now i'm expected to believe he's in love with someone else who, by comparison, he meets a couple of times and spends a little amount of time with.

well. i don't! it's not in character, it wasn't properly built up in the text and truthfully they don't have enough chemistry to make up for it.

i don't know what happened there. i don't know why bk moon decided to add a romance when the novel didn't need it. i don't know why he chose to make it happen between two characters that didn't have a relationship as deep as the one he spent the entire novel building up and promoting as the most important one. which may i add was between his two protagonists. y'know. the ones the novel is supposed to be centered around.

i don't know. i don't know what happened. i don't know if it was censorship, last minute panic, fear of opposition or rejection or actual obliviousness to what he had written looked like, i simply do not know.

i really hope it wasn't homophobia tho that would absolutely suck lmao

but uh. yeah. i do think the ending is very funny when you put it like that askhdsjkfds

#hey i got an ask #Anonymous #tged #the greatest estate developer #tged spoilers #lloyd frontera #llojavi #javier asrahan #long post #i don't what happened i started typing and suddenly all of this came out of me #i was possessed #most of what i said here i have said before but it's now all in one post #and i have So Much left to say about this topic but i really cannot make this post longer i am so embarrassed already aksjdhk #i feel a little hollow i need to shitpost to get back to normal oh my god #this is. why it takes me so long to answer asks btw. i literally cannot shut up.#i apologize but i cannot promise to change

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kaigarax · 1 year ago

Text

Everything I Could Never Say

Porco Galliard x Reader

Quote: "Fall in love with someone you knew." & "Fall in love with someone that inspires you."

Someone You Loved: Featuring the Soldier

Porco Galliard had been acquainted with death all his life.

He’d never personally gotten very close to death but many of the most important people in his life had been taken away. Death was like a friend of a friend that you’ve never quite liked but never been able to leave behind. Though, Porco supposes that choosing a life in the military wasn’t the smartest choice if he hoped to avoid death.

From his brother Marcel who died when he was twelve during an accident to his best friend Pieck who died when he was twenty one during their first deployment. The countless soldiers he’s fought side by side with seemingly nothing but nameless faces in the wind.

And now, it seems, you.

Porco can’t help but feel awkward as he stands at the entrance. There’s a light drizzle in the sky yet it does nothing to cool the weather. It’s humid and Porco’s suit sticks to him. It also doesn't help that his arms and legs ache from the long flight. He’d been working out in hopes of getting the stress out but it seems as though his stress has come back full force in the shape of both mental and physical anguish.

Your parents had invited him to the service the day before but he hadn’t been able to get the time off. At least he’d be able to attend with everyone else. Actually, it’s quite fitting because while Porco had been close with you growing up he feels as though you’re almost a stranger now.

It’s a horrible thing to realize and even more devastating to think about yet seems almost fitting.

The woman standing at the counter greets him with a slight nod of her head as she asks for his name.

She hands Porco a badge and name tag.

It’s not his name that’s been written down.

Of course it was something like this. Something you would have loved. Not just would Porco not know anyone there but he wouldn’t be able to pretend to know them either. You always did seem to find amusement over stupid little things like this. But it was one of the things he loved about you.

The room’s larger than it looks. It’s white and round, with photos lined up across the walls. It looks more like an art exhibit than what it really is. But you would have liked it that way. In fact, Porco wouldn’t be all too surprised to hear that you planned this all out yourself.

The horrible ache in his arms and leg suddenly doesn't seem to bother him as much. The pain suddenly seems so little. So little compared to the aching in his chest.

He never realised how much he missed you.

It’s as though all those feelings he’d pushed down suddenly came rushing back and crashing down. The world around him is spinning and he can’t seem to catch his breath. He wants to run out but his feet don’t move. It’s hard to focus his eyes and he has to squint to look at the photo in front of him.

The man in the frame looks deeply concentrated on something in front of him. The camera’s capture him from his profile and highlights the ginamours background behind him. The spotlights seemed to have all turned to point at him, as if saying that ‘here is the main character. Watch him succeed’. Porco thinks that he can almost hear the cheers and feel the anticipation of the crowd as they wait for something incredible to happen.

You chose not the moment before or after but right then, before the world comes crashing down. Like the deep breath right before a storm. The words ‘with baited breath we await the storm’ are engraved at the bottom.

It’s… a nice photo.

Porco wonders if there’s one of him too.

What you might have written down for him.

His erratic heart seems to find some calm in the photos you’ve left behind. No, he thinks, they aren’t photos but rather art. The blood, sweat and tears that you gave in hopes of leaving something greater than you behind. The pieces of you that would forever stay here in the world of the living. Did you regret leaving something as amazing as this behind? Did you regret leaving-

The photo of him surprises him. Porco remembers the day you took that very one. He remembers how you pestered him for the entirety of the day in hopes that he would go with you to see the fireworks. How excited you were because your parents had finally gotten you the camera you had been begging for.

You had wanted to take a photo of the starry sky and light show.

And Porco had been in such a bad mood that day.

He’d been upset about something stupid his brother had done and wouldn’t do anything productive until Marcel apologised. Of course Marcel never apologised and you had done almost everything you could to make him smile.

Actually, now that Porco thinks about it, he doesn't think you ever did see the fireworks that day. After taking that photo you had left, your cheeks flushed red.

Truthfully, Porco thinks he looks a little… cute. Of course he looks every bit of the snot-nosed brat but even brats can be adorable children.

The words ‘Take 574’ are plastered beneath its portrait.

He once told you that he believed there were exactly 574 stars in the sky. Of course, being an adult, Porco now knows that there are millions (if not billions) of stars in the sky but that number had been so large. One of the largest numbers he had been able to count up to back then. It’s funny to think how small the world seemed to the two of you.

Back when Porco thought that it would only always just be the two of you.

He used to think that that was how the world would always be. Him, you and everyone else.

It’s a shame that life did not allow it to progress the way he had hoped it would. Though, that’s likely mostly to the fault of him. He’s almost certain both yours and his lives would have been different if Porco had…

“You’re that boy from the earlier photos, the Soldier, aren’t you?”

Porco turns to see the Mentalist. A man with dual coloured hair split straight down the middle. You talked about him quite a bit in your letters. About his brilliant mind and how thrilled you were when he had chosen to take you under his wing.

Looking at him now, Porco isn’t all too sure why you were so enamoured with him. Sure, he has a flashy appearance but he doesn't seem to exude the same brilliance you spoke of. Perhaps it’s just perspective? Though Porco has always been rather biased when it comes to the Mentalist. Afterall, why would you need to be tutored by someone in a different profession?

“Yeah.” Porco gives the Mentalist a slight nod, “how’d you know? Most people are surprised when they learn it’s me in those photos.”

The Mentalist smiles, “you have the same eyes.”

Porco raises a brow.

“And the same expressions.” Adds a newcomer.

The pair turn to see a white haired man. Porco instantly recognizes him as the Athlete. He’s shorter than Porco would have expected. Average height for an average person but definitely short for a professional athlete. He has startling eyes, something akin to a bird, and a very loud voice.

Porco recognizes him, not because of his exotic features or fame but because of you. He was, afterall, your latest muse. Or rather… last muse.

The Mentalist turns to look at the newcomer, a curious look in his eyes, “the Athlete?”

The Athlete flushes, “I was never really a fan of that title.”

“Why so?’ Asks the Mentalist.

“Because it always felt so…” the Athlete trails off, looking into the distance towards a photo of you.

“Different from who you felt you were?” Suggest Porco.

“Yeah.” says the Athlete, his gaze still glued to your photo.

Porco eyes follow the Athlete’s. He’s surprised that they managed to find such a recent photo of you. Actually, he’s surprised they managed to find one of you at all. You always did prefer to be behind the lens. It captures that youthful glow Porco remembers you having. You don’t have dirt in your hair or the baby fat that lingered into your early teens, but you have all the same warmth and excitement.

“You know, those are the titles she picked for you,” the Mentalist smiles, though it doesn't reach his eyes, “I think she would have wanted you to look a little deeper into it.”

Porco snorts, “and what’s yours supposed to mean, Mentalist?”

“Well, I’m a magician, aren’t I? She was always very impressed by my extraordinary mental prowess.” The Mentalist smirks though Porco can see the sadness in his eyes, “though when she said it, she always meant eccentric. Considered calling it ‘the Mad Man’ at some point.”

Perhaps he had been too quick to judge him. Afterall, this man had chosen to go to your funeral and final exhibition. This man clearly, at one point, cared about you. This man, despite seeming to be everything Porco stands against, stands here trying to smile because he knows it’s what you would have wanted.

Porco tries his best to muster up a smile, “she wanted to call mine ‘the Brat.’”

The eyes of his two companions seem to fill up with laughter.

The Athlete eventually clears his throat, “did you two know her well?”

“Not as well as I’d like to.” Says the Mentalist.

“At one point,” Porco shrugs, “did you?”

“I’m not sure.” Answers the Athlete.

“Well you’re here so you must have meant something to her.” says Porco.

“And she must have meant something to you.” Adds the Mentalist.

Porco has always wondered what kind of person you turned out to be. The you he remembers is one who always chased after him. A clumsy girl that was scared of almost everything. Did you fall in love easily? Did you stand up for what you believed in? Until now, Porco never really realised how much uncertainty there was surrounding you.

Though, what he does know for certain is that you must have been brilliant. Why else would all these people have come for you?

“So, what’s ‘the Athlete’ supposed to mean?” Asks the Mentalist.

“Oh,” the Athlete flushes, “well it’s actually a bit of an inside joke, I think.”

The Mentalist turns his head to the side, “you think?”

“Well, she always talked about how she admired athletes. Talked about how she loved the way they ‘sparked’. Honestly, I’m surprised she chose me in the end.” There's a small smile that forms in the corner of the Athlete’s mouth, “I guess she couldn’t help but be impressed when she watched me play.”

Porco fights the urge to roll his eyes.

Not at the Athlete’s expense but yours.

Of course you have a type.

“Have any of you talked to the others?” Asks Porco.

“The others?” Questions the Athlete.

The Mentalist turns to look around the room, “the other Muses?”

“Oh,” says the Athlete, “no. Honestly I’m not really familiar with anyone else here. She never really spoke about the other… muses.” The word muse both sounds foreign from the Athlete’s mouth and feels foreign in Porco’s ears. “I’m basically a stranger to everyone else here. What about the two of you?”

“I’m in the same boat as you.” says Porco.

Then they both turn towards the Mentalist.

The Mentalist shrugs, “she always did like her distance.”

And Porco hates how true that statement seems to be and how deep it really sinks.

While the two of you had spent your developmental years together the other half of your life had been spent with you exploring the rest of the world while Porco slaved away in the army. Sure, the two of you exchanged letters but those could never be compared to the raw expressions and emotions that someone had whe face to face with another. A perfectly crafted collage of words and sentences that you’ve chosen to construct in order to create the perfect image that you know he would like to see.

Did he ever really know you at all?

Did either of these two?

Did any of these countless people?

Your distance had always been Porco’s least favourite thing about you. But distance seemed like such a little thing when compared to the vastness of everything else that made you, you. The distance was what made you, you.

The distance between you and Porco was one he could never quite bridge. So he could only ever love you from afar and wonder what it might be like to hear you call out his name. In the middle of a night after a nightmare; in the middle of the day for something mundane; in anger after the midst of an argument; and after the argument with remorse.

Fall in love with someone you knew.

---

Everything I Could Never Say

‘Stay.’

The first painting Porco has ever completed took three years from start to end. He’d always been interested in painting when he was young and dabbled in the art when he entered high school but wouldn’t truly indulge in the art until you left. All the time he’d spent with you would eventually become all the time he’d have to devote to his new hobbies.

For the longest time, the finished painting lay collecting dust in the back of his closet. He was never really pleased with the finished product but never truly found the heart to throw it away.

Eventually, the painting managed to make its way into the hands of an art collector. Porco’s mother had been having a yard sale and he had convinced his mother to throw the piece in with the other items. Someone clearly must have been impressed with the work because he’d soon find himself swept up in a whirlwind.

Now, the painting hangs up against a large white wall.

You’re standing at the edge of the doorframe, in the painting, a warm smile on your face. Your foot is out the door but your head is turned back as if waiting to hear one last message. As if waiting for one last thing. Your eyes are soft as you take everything in for the last time.

It’s Porco’s childhood home that he’s painted you in, recognizable with the ugly stain on the side of the door and messy rack of shoes that’s been pushed up against the wall.

Back then, Porco wanderers if you might have stayed in there just a moment longer if you had known it would be your last time ever seeing the place. And, if you had stayed a moment longer would those words at the tip of his tongue ever be said?

Would he have been able to utter that single word that lay at the tip of his tongue?

No.

Even if you had stayed just a moment longer he knows he would have never said those words. He couldn’t. Not because he was afraid of the rejection but because he knew you would stay if he asked. That a single word from him was all that it would have taken to change the very course of your lives.

But you were never meant for such mundane things.

You were meant to see the world - and how could he be the reason why you’d never get to experience that? The world was meant to see you - and how could he deny the world someone as amazing as you?

---

‘I missed you.’

The second painting was made years after the first. Years after Porco had already mastered and perfected his craft.

He’d been going through a slump when he bumped into you. The both of you happened to be visiting your childhood homes at the same time when you stumbled into one another. Porco had been going for a morning run while you (as usual) were out with your camera. It was almost nostalgic.

You’d been so happy that you practically strong armed him into going to a breakfast joint with you.

So much more grown up then you had been before, yet still with that spark in your eyes. The same bright expression yet your smile seemed to hold so much more wisdom behind it. Ideas and phrases that he’d never imagined you’d say before.

So familiar, yet different.

And that’s where he paints you.

Somewhere in between the state of familiarity and unknown.

There, in the breakfast diner, with a tired smile. You’re resting your head on your arms as you tell stories about the life you’ve managed to live without him. And it feels so different from words on a page. It feels real yet imaginary at the same time.

The slump he’d been going through had seemingly evaporated as he got to work on that painting of you that very afternoon.

Seeing how much you’ve changed back them seemed to set something off in him. It was a good kind of change. One that shows you've grown a lot from the immature and young person you had been before. That life has changed you for the better. It’s the kind of change that everyone goes through at one point but something you never notice until the change has occurred beneath your noses and now you’re a different person.

You’re a different person. Changed. And that thought made Porco happy yet sad at the same time.

And those words lingering in the back of his mind stay. Not because he can’t bring himself to say them but because they only stand to make all the change that has happened seem more real. Seem so… less imaginary. He’s scared that sadness will become the forefront of his mind if he allows himself to utter those words. So he doesn't. So he didn’t.

---

‘Why not?’

Barely a week after Porco’s finished the second painting does he come up with the idea for this one. Refamiliarizing yourselves with one another is an easier process than Porco would have thought. You fit like puzzle pieces. At first he’d been scared that you’d be much too different but he supposes that he had always been quite the pessimist. It’s not as if distance could have changed someone so much. Or at least not someone like you.

Porco’s decided to invite you to the bar, seeing as how you seemed to be experiencing a slump similar to one that he had just the week before.

A fresh environment is always a good way to spark some inspiration - and there’s no harm in a few drinks here and there. Or at least that was what Porco thought before he actually brought you there.

You’re five drinks in with two hours of complaining.

Love has never come easily to most and you had certainly not been an expectation. And that difficulty had brought Porco a long list of complaints and woes about the various troubles you’ve found yourself with.

And it’s this tired and troubled expression that Porco decides to paint you with. It’s so different from the other wistful expressions Porco has made and so different from anything that he’s ever seen you with. It’s refreshing and reminds him that, like him, you’re still young and learning. That there’s also so much life that you have yet to live as well. Of course, there’s still a softness in your eyes.

There always will be, he thinks.

The bar in the background is buzzing with action and Porco tries his best to capture everything. The people dancing in the background, despite no music playing. The bartender swiftly attends to everyone there while the waitress seamlessly moves through the crowd.

And Porco, who has grown weary from listening to your complaints can only think about you. About how he still feels so strongly about you despite knowing that you’ve changed from the innocent and naive girl he knew before. He thinks about how your hand would feel if you were to just reach out and grab it.

He thinks you’d blush bashfully but wouldn’t pull away. Porco has always known of his affect on you and is happy to see that that hasn’t changed.

But he can’t bring himself to ask you to give him a chance. Like before the words just don’t seem to leave his mouth. He can’t see the benefits of risking what you already have for something uncertain. Especially if it doesn't work out.

---

‘You’re my inspiration.’

The fourth painting is created two weeks after the second and third.

Porco’s mother had heard you were in town and basically forced Porco to invite you to dinner before you head out for some other foreign country. You’d been commissioned by some famous singer to take photos of them for their next concert and you were never one to turn down such an exciting job.

You’d leave as early as next Monday but before that you would attend dinner with Porco and his parents.

The dinner was short and mostly filled with subtle hints from his mother that the two of you should get together. Parents always did that, didn’t they? Put their heads into a situation when they think that two individuals would fit together instead of trying to read the room and see why they aren’t. But Porco can blame his mother, not when she looks so happy talking to you.

Eventually, you head into this room (though it’s more like a studio) and see the first three paintings he’s made.

Porco would have thought you’d been weirded out if not a little uncomfortable but you were ecstatic. He daresay inspired. Thinking back on it he supposes that you, being an artist yourself, saw it more as a mutual and professional relationship rather than something romantic and personal.

You told him that he’d be able to make it professional. That his work would go on to be more popular than your own.

Then, for the first time in years, you ask him to take a photo.

Porco paints you with a bright smile. An excited one that resembles the ones you used to always have when you were young. You can’t see the top half of your face as you hold a camera up towards the viewers but anyone looking can tell that looking at him (or the viewer) with a warmth that’s reserved only for those that you hold in the highest regard.

Back then, Porco wondered if you thought about those paintings of his when you left. If you wondered about the other people he might have painted or the other things that might have inspired him.

If you knew that you inspired him.

He never found himself able to tell you that himself. It was simply… too embarrassing. Or at least back then it had been too embarrassing. Now he wonders how you might have reacted if you knew in the first place.

---

‘Would you like to dance?’

A year after your brief meeting in your hometown Porco receives an invitation to your latest showcase. It’s a traditional sort of galla in commemoration of your latest Muse, ‘The Dancer’. Porco doesn't know much about the dancer - just that you happened to meet them while photographing the wedding and were taken aback.

Porco had only decided to attend because the gala was being held close to where he happened to be staying.

And here is where he takes the inspiration for the fifth painting.

Everyone, including you, is wearing masks and beautiful flowing clothes. The women are in bright dresses and the men in warmly coloured tuxedos. The dress code had been formal but Porco hadn’t been expecting something like this. Porco had gone to the gala wearing a dark green suit, his military uniform.

He’s given strange looks but the only gaze that really matters is the one from you.

He paints you from the side as you stare off into the crowd. Your clothing is breezier and lighter than what the others around you are wearing and it matches the green Porco has decided to wear. You’re staring out onto the dance floor but all Porco can see is you.

Your hands are behind you back in the painting. As if you’re peacefully staring out at something scarene.

And here, Porco wonders if you want to head out onto the floor. He wonders if you’d take his hand and dance with him. Everyone here seems to be watching you with baited breath but they don’t seem to come any closer. A distance between you and everyone else.

Would you want to dance with him?

He wonders if you even know he’s there.

But you have always been like this. The kind of person to get so swept up into a single moment. Unaware of everything else around you.

Or course, Porco never does manage to ask you to dance. But how could he? Not while you were looking at someone else the way he looked at you.

---

‘I love you.’

The last painting of you is the last moment Porco had spent with you before everything had come crashing down. But it isn’t painted after that moment. It isn’t painted for years and years. It isn’t painted until then.

The canvas is a mixture of blacks and dark blues with a brilliant array of colourful stars.

You’re standing waist deep in water with you back to the audience staring up at the dark sky being filled with splashes and blurs of colour. Bright pinks, blues, yellows and greens. Momentary flashes of colour that have come to be known as fireworks. Porco tried his best to capture the awe and amazement despite not being able to see your face.

You dragged Porco to the late night carnevil to see the fireworks. The two of you had agreed to meet up a year before but Porco hadn’t been expecting to stay here this late into the night.

The two of you had somehow ended up falling into the water when the fireworks had begun.

It was a brilliant moment.

You loved the flash of colour in the sky.

Porco loved the flash of life he saw in your eyes.

And after that night Porco had planned on painting this picture of you immediately. But then… he got sick. And then life got in the way. One major mission and then another life event. And another day of rest would push it onto the next agenda and so fourth.

And it isn’t until he hears the horrible news that the world around him seems to slow.

No, his world had halted.

In all the pain and misery, Porco finally emerges with this piece of you. A cumulation of his blood, sweat and tears. A cumulation of everything he never managed to say. The three words that he wishes he could have at least told you once.

And it’s strange.

Back then, he’d never been able to say those words - and he doesn't think he ever would have even if things had been different. He’d have never been able to say those words because he knew that you never felt the same way that he had.

---

“Who is she?” Asks a young girl.

Porco thinks that she reminds him of you. Sure her appearance and clothing is different but she has that same wonderfilled and innocent smile you did when you were in the springtime of your youth. So bold and excited for the world that you’ve yet to meet.

And Porco smiles, “someone I loved.”

Fall in love with someone that inspires you.

#attack on titan #attack on titan x reader #shingeki no kyojin #shingeki no kyojin x reader #porco galliard x reader #someone you loved #100 ways to fall in love

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